Just watched Bucs game... *casts stern glance at entire offense except Gramatica* 15-0! 5 field goals!! Not that I don't love seeing him go up and kick each and every time, but... tsk tsk. He can't do everything. Soon they'll be asking him to play wide receiver and quarterback too! Simultaneously! This was the Bucs' first victory in cold weather, having gone 0-21 previously. Er... yay?
The other team I follow, the Patriots, were eliminated from playoff contention after winning the Super Bowl in glorious fashion last year. I really have nothing to say about that except.... KURGH!!!
One good thing about horrible dinner party last Monday was that it spared me from the Bucs 17-7 defeat to Detroit (?????!!!!). I'm assuming the 7 was a TD and not... err... two safeties and a field goal.
This entire entry was about football! I don't feel like thinking deep thoughts right now.
Chowda!
Thursday, December 19, 2002
This is hitting me really hard. It's stupid, I know. I can't believe these imaginary encounters with someone I don't even know are the only things I had to look forward to. There's just such a damn lack of romance in this world. It's frustrating. Expecting someone to live without romance is like expecting a flower to live without water. I like analogies in which I am a flower. Whee.
Went over and watched Survivor with folks; can't really call it a party as there were only three people and a pizza. Or does the presence of pizza automatically constitute a party? Anyway, ugh. Can't believe that slimy used-car salesman ex-porn star won! Granted, he outwitted, outplayed, and outlasted, but what is wrong with people?? Why do I watch Survivor? And why do I watch the bloody Anna Nicole show?? Perhaps it means I have a genuine interest in people after all, but only from a safe distance where I can laugh at them.
Feeling very guilty about previous post regarding dinner. One of those people is actually very nice. I just get fed up with people talking about their jobs all the time. I feel so alienated; alien, in fact. I know I'm the minority, I'm the weird one, I shouldn't be angry, I should be reticent and grateful I'm not locked in a closet or something. But damn, is it really so wrong for me to wish for kindred spirits? I shouldn't put people down unless they're actually mean or judgmental towards me, though. Bad! Bad kitty! *fwaps self* So I vow to work on my senseless rage, as it is easier to work on than my fear, anxiety, and obsessive love of cheese.
For years I've told myself, just keep believing what you believe, believe in love, believe there is something better out there than what you see every day, and you can keep believing in yourself. Believe in yourself and one day you will meet someone who will think they are looking into a mirror, and life will suddenly make sense. The problem is, this has gotten me exactly nowhere. I will NEVER EVER stop believing in love, or in a world that's better than this one (perhaps up and slightly to the left).
Went over and watched Survivor with folks; can't really call it a party as there were only three people and a pizza. Or does the presence of pizza automatically constitute a party? Anyway, ugh. Can't believe that slimy used-car salesman ex-porn star won! Granted, he outwitted, outplayed, and outlasted, but what is wrong with people?? Why do I watch Survivor? And why do I watch the bloody Anna Nicole show?? Perhaps it means I have a genuine interest in people after all, but only from a safe distance where I can laugh at them.
Feeling very guilty about previous post regarding dinner. One of those people is actually very nice. I just get fed up with people talking about their jobs all the time. I feel so alienated; alien, in fact. I know I'm the minority, I'm the weird one, I shouldn't be angry, I should be reticent and grateful I'm not locked in a closet or something. But damn, is it really so wrong for me to wish for kindred spirits? I shouldn't put people down unless they're actually mean or judgmental towards me, though. Bad! Bad kitty! *fwaps self* So I vow to work on my senseless rage, as it is easier to work on than my fear, anxiety, and obsessive love of cheese.
For years I've told myself, just keep believing what you believe, believe in love, believe there is something better out there than what you see every day, and you can keep believing in yourself. Believe in yourself and one day you will meet someone who will think they are looking into a mirror, and life will suddenly make sense. The problem is, this has gotten me exactly nowhere. I will NEVER EVER stop believing in love, or in a world that's better than this one (perhaps up and slightly to the left).
My most imaginary friend is leaving today for... *counts* 17 days!!! Obviously, I will really miss him. I don't even know what else to say about it. I'm really going to try to not get depressed. Really. I am. *starts weeping*
Clearly, I need some real friends. Imaginary is not always the way to go. But where does one find other people who would rather talk about bendy straws than the goings-on at their office? This is a rare thing indeed. It's odd, I have so many social phobias, but I think my biggest fear is dying unknown. No, my biggest fear is *living* unknown. Yet, that's precisely what my station in life forces me to do. I won't give up, though. They say there's someone out there for everyone. Not sure who says this, really. Clearly someone who has already found said person/people and is in better state of mind than I. But, giving up is the only true defeat. I know this. Ever onward into the dream...
Clearly, I need some real friends. Imaginary is not always the way to go. But where does one find other people who would rather talk about bendy straws than the goings-on at their office? This is a rare thing indeed. It's odd, I have so many social phobias, but I think my biggest fear is dying unknown. No, my biggest fear is *living* unknown. Yet, that's precisely what my station in life forces me to do. I won't give up, though. They say there's someone out there for everyone. Not sure who says this, really. Clearly someone who has already found said person/people and is in better state of mind than I. But, giving up is the only true defeat. I know this. Ever onward into the dream...
Wednesday, December 18, 2002
It's bracing! It's invigorating! It is *not* cold. Right.
Had dinner with stodgy people again. Whee. Heard most boring conversation of entire life. They went on and on about how people at their stupid boring office were rated by some awful Fascist points system ("He's an 11. She's a 13." etc.) Could not even begin to feign interest. Fuck it. Started points sytem based on how much I wanted to blow my brains out at the table (12.) From now on when people ask me why I don't work I'm going to smile serenely and say I'm a "blithe spirit." Don't know for sure what this means, but it sounds good (or I could say, "I'm a happy fairy! Now leave me alone" ;).)
My contribution to the dinner was to remark on the brightly coloured bendy straws that came with our waters; everyone got a different colour. It was pretty swell, kind of like being at an eight year old's birthday party, but at a semi-swishy place instead of Chuck E. Cheese. Once again, little touches others prolly wouldn't even notice bring light to my life. I feel so alone most of the time, yet I wouldn't have it any other way.
"She never bothers with people she hates, that's why the lady... IS A TRAMP!"
Had dinner with stodgy people again. Whee. Heard most boring conversation of entire life. They went on and on about how people at their stupid boring office were rated by some awful Fascist points system ("He's an 11. She's a 13." etc.) Could not even begin to feign interest. Fuck it. Started points sytem based on how much I wanted to blow my brains out at the table (12.) From now on when people ask me why I don't work I'm going to smile serenely and say I'm a "blithe spirit." Don't know for sure what this means, but it sounds good (or I could say, "I'm a happy fairy! Now leave me alone" ;).)
My contribution to the dinner was to remark on the brightly coloured bendy straws that came with our waters; everyone got a different colour. It was pretty swell, kind of like being at an eight year old's birthday party, but at a semi-swishy place instead of Chuck E. Cheese. Once again, little touches others prolly wouldn't even notice bring light to my life. I feel so alone most of the time, yet I wouldn't have it any other way.
"She never bothers with people she hates, that's why the lady... IS A TRAMP!"
Monday, December 16, 2002
Ooh look at this...
What Harry Potter Pet Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
I am my own cat! Or maybe I'm my inner cat. Okay. I need to stop taking quizzes now. *nods*
And what is more swell than Christmas lights?? Anything??? I remember one time in LA we were driving around looking at lights, and I had this hot cider from Starbucks, and it was even kind of cold out (for LA), and I think that was like the happiest moment of my life. It doesn't even matter who I was with (some dorky guy). I can't explain it. Looking back it seems like it was snowing, but I know it wasn't. That's what it was like. A magical snow-conjuring moment... *sigh*
What Harry Potter Pet Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
I am my own cat! Or maybe I'm my inner cat. Okay. I need to stop taking quizzes now. *nods*
And what is more swell than Christmas lights?? Anything??? I remember one time in LA we were driving around looking at lights, and I had this hot cider from Starbucks, and it was even kind of cold out (for LA), and I think that was like the happiest moment of my life. It doesn't even matter who I was with (some dorky guy). I can't explain it. Looking back it seems like it was snowing, but I know it wasn't. That's what it was like. A magical snow-conjuring moment... *sigh*
And yet...
What kind of fairy are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Your a happy go luck fairy, a fairy of the spring. bright and all
See? I'm a happy fairy! Now leave me alone.
What kind of fairy are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Your a happy go luck fairy, a fairy of the spring. bright and all
See? I'm a happy fairy! Now leave me alone.
How Emotional Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
"How Emotional Are You?" - Results:
Emotional Wreck. You are extremely emotional. You feel contentment moreso than happiness and your
emotional lows are to the extreme. You need to cheer up and start enjoying your life. Where there is
rain there is a rainbow and you need to see it more than others. Do something that makes you happy.
Who needs therapy when we have Quizilla??
Sunday, December 15, 2002
Why Will You Go To Hell?
brought to you by Quizilla
I'm just relieved that I'm going to hell, because I think heaven would be a lot like YMCA day camp.
Can't believe Al Gore said "Oompa Loompa dung" on SNL tonight. I can die happy.
Thursday, December 12, 2002
Something about Our Fearless Leader wearing that humongous cowboy hat at the Christmas tree lighting disturbed me (though really, what says "Christmas" better than a bigass cowboy hat? Ho ho yeeehaw!). Maybe it was that he only knew two words to Jingle Bells ("ride" and "one") and had to fake the rest, yet the hat sat there atop his head as if all was well. Gloatingly, almost. Or maybe it's that this is what's presently representing my country and hence, me: a doofus in a big hat. I do not feel this is an accurate representation, yet I am, unwittingly, a part of Bigass Hat Nation. Perhaps I am giving the hat too much power. Perhaps this is precisely what the hat *wants*. Hmm.
In other news, saw Mulholland Dr. the other night. Mehe?? What does it all mean??? I'm so confoozed! I feel like Bush trying to sing Jingle Bells! (I think this movie would actually make his head explode, though something tells me the hat would survive intact. It's eeeeevil, I tell you! It will rise up and destroy us all! AAIIYEEEEEEE!!)
In other news, saw Mulholland Dr. the other night. Mehe?? What does it all mean??? I'm so confoozed! I feel like Bush trying to sing Jingle Bells! (I think this movie would actually make his head explode, though something tells me the hat would survive intact. It's eeeeevil, I tell you! It will rise up and destroy us all! AAIIYEEEEEEE!!)
Thursday, December 05, 2002
Gah!! Snow is silent but deadly! I woke up and there was like 14 inches. Weather should at least make noise, so you know it's coming.
I invented a new holiday drink today! I just got around to making the pumpkin pie a week after Thanksgiving (due to something I will refer to as BourbonQuest) and there was some pumpkiny spooge and bourbon left over which of course made me wonder, How can I get flanged from this? The answer: Hot Spiced Pumpkin Bourbon!! It was really good!! The pie also turned out yummy, even if I did leave out a step (this is the last line of the recipe: "Wait until flames die down to serve pie.") Eeps! So, Klutzy Girl did not set pie alight in the interest of self-preservation (not to mention kitchen preservation, house preservation, national security, etc). Iron Chef Doom! Muahaha.
I invented a new holiday drink today! I just got around to making the pumpkin pie a week after Thanksgiving (due to something I will refer to as BourbonQuest) and there was some pumpkiny spooge and bourbon left over which of course made me wonder, How can I get flanged from this? The answer: Hot Spiced Pumpkin Bourbon!! It was really good!! The pie also turned out yummy, even if I did leave out a step (this is the last line of the recipe: "Wait until flames die down to serve pie.") Eeps! So, Klutzy Girl did not set pie alight in the interest of self-preservation (not to mention kitchen preservation, house preservation, national security, etc). Iron Chef Doom! Muahaha.
Tuesday, December 03, 2002
MTV continues to upset me. I was reminded the other day of how exciting it seemed
when it first came out; even if it was mostly crappy videos by Men Without Hats, at least there was a sense of adventure to it. Now it's like this endless commercial for an empty culture that people are actually buying. Am I taking Britney Spears and N'Sync and Thong Songs too seriously? Should I be thinking about President Doofushead and Iraq instead? Perhaps, but I do take the seeming death of culture seriously. By culture I mean uniqueness, a sense of exploring new ground, not necessarily anything highbrow. I'm sick of the same stale things being mass-produced and spit out by the media combine.
I watch too much TV. I don't even like TV very much. I need a new life.
when it first came out; even if it was mostly crappy videos by Men Without Hats, at least there was a sense of adventure to it. Now it's like this endless commercial for an empty culture that people are actually buying. Am I taking Britney Spears and N'Sync and Thong Songs too seriously? Should I be thinking about President Doofushead and Iraq instead? Perhaps, but I do take the seeming death of culture seriously. By culture I mean uniqueness, a sense of exploring new ground, not necessarily anything highbrow. I'm sick of the same stale things being mass-produced and spit out by the media combine.
I watch too much TV. I don't even like TV very much. I need a new life.
Monday, December 02, 2002
I saw this commercial for some sort of super-intelligent toothbrush today proclaiming "Now you can brush like dentists do!" which made me think, do I really want this? I don't really mind the whole dental mystique; that's why they have a special school. I am perfectly content with a simple, mortal toothbrush. Life has just spun out of control, I think.
The Bucs lost today, in no part due to my kickin' cutie, who once again accounted for all of their points! MUST he carry you all on his shoulders???? *sigh.....*
Hmm. I feel like I'm half living in a dream right now, which I suppose I am. I can't really explain it. Good night, my new most imaginary friend, wherever you are, who will never read this...
The Bucs lost today, in no part due to my kickin' cutie, who once again accounted for all of their points! MUST he carry you all on his shoulders???? *sigh.....*
Hmm. I feel like I'm half living in a dream right now, which I suppose I am. I can't really explain it. Good night, my new most imaginary friend, wherever you are, who will never read this...
Wednesday, November 27, 2002
It's snowing out!! AIYEEEE!!! Yes, I'm from LA, and I'm freaked out by snow, but for the most part I find seasons invigorating! *convinces self of this* I do sincerely love seasonal beer. Last month, Sam Adams Octoberfest, this month... Winter Lager: "A dark wheat lager brewed with winter spices..." mmmmmm! *is tingly* In the final analysis, it doesn't really take much to make me happy ;). Must remember that life is best when about pleasant little things, not big glorious sweeping things happening all the time.
Monday, November 25, 2002
Well, scratch that, this HICK FLINGING SUPERMARKET does not have Cornish game hens!! GAHHH!! What century is it here?? So, I'm going to attempt turkey; the public at large has been officially warned. It is a very small turkey, so I prolly can't inflict too much damage... except to the turkey. The green bean casserole is still a go!! Whoo!! (This subject is receiving undue exclamation points; I really should conserve them or they will lose all meaning.)
Speaking of turkey... or deep psychological revelations... whatever... it occurred to me today that I have lived almost my *entire* life based on fear. That may not sound like such a startling revelation, considering I have more phobias than West Virginia has... nothing, but when I really thought about it, something clicked in my little head. Imagine, every choice, every move in your life, based on fear! Never having the guts to go after what you really want. Maybe a lot of people live this way, but then, a lot of people don't, and I would like to be one of them. It would be one thing if I was suited to this quiet life, but I'm a creative person and I can actually feel my brain rotting. I want to live!! I want to bite into the big juicy plum!! I want to kick field goals and jump up and down with exuberance (metaphorically)!!
Speaking of turkey... or deep psychological revelations... whatever... it occurred to me today that I have lived almost my *entire* life based on fear. That may not sound like such a startling revelation, considering I have more phobias than West Virginia has... nothing, but when I really thought about it, something clicked in my little head. Imagine, every choice, every move in your life, based on fear! Never having the guts to go after what you really want. Maybe a lot of people live this way, but then, a lot of people don't, and I would like to be one of them. It would be one thing if I was suited to this quiet life, but I'm a creative person and I can actually feel my brain rotting. I want to live!! I want to bite into the big juicy plum!! I want to kick field goals and jump up and down with exuberance (metaphorically)!!
The holiday menu is set! Honey mustard Cornish game hens, bourbon pecan pumpkin pie, and... Durkee green bean casserole! Hee hee. I amuse myself (if no one else :P).
I think Thanksgiving dinner would be a lot more interesting if people dressed up like Pilgrims, but then, I think life would be more interesting if people dressed up as things anyway. For no reason, beyond the sheer undeniable mirth of, say, wearing a tail to Foodland. Perhaps I'll start a revolution. I feel it. My time is now. Yeah.
I think Thanksgiving dinner would be a lot more interesting if people dressed up like Pilgrims, but then, I think life would be more interesting if people dressed up as things anyway. For no reason, beyond the sheer undeniable mirth of, say, wearing a tail to Foodland. Perhaps I'll start a revolution. I feel it. My time is now. Yeah.
Friday, November 22, 2002
I've not been in a real football-y place lately, but I did just see that Cutie Pie kicked three field goals last Sunday in a glorious defeat of the Carolina Panthers! Well, maybe not "glorious;" it was the Panthers. More like "routine." But still, whee! I think they play the Bengals next week... heh. Hard to celebrate over beating the Bengals, but I'm sure my boy will find a way as he is just so full of joie de vivre!! Wish I knew his secret... I kind of hope it's pie. That would be cool. Doesn't pie make people happy? I wish I had some pie. Ooh! I do have cookies though! *dashes off*
Another person died from a "Jackass"-related injury. I really like this as a means of weeding out stupid people. Thank you, Johnny Knoxville.
Cool fortune cookie-ness! "With a little more hard work, your creativity takes you to great heights." Whoo! That rules, yes? Not sure if blogging really counts as hard work, but it is compared to say, sleeping, so I'm just going to go with that. *^..^*
La la la. What else. Oh, yeah. THIS PLACE IS SO BLOODY BORING!! AGH! I'M GOING INSANE!!
Cool fortune cookie-ness! "With a little more hard work, your creativity takes you to great heights." Whoo! That rules, yes? Not sure if blogging really counts as hard work, but it is compared to say, sleeping, so I'm just going to go with that. *^..^*
La la la. What else. Oh, yeah. THIS PLACE IS SO BLOODY BORING!! AGH! I'M GOING INSANE!!
Tuesday, November 12, 2002
Sunday:
Had Vietnamese lunch (yummy beef-skewery things) then went to see Spirited Away- Gorgeous! Brilliant! Yay, anime! Walked around town for a bit, happened upon a pub that was showing the Pats game, so we went in and ordered a local beer called Sweet Magnolia (very good). I was the only football fan in the group, as everyone else is too stodgy to do something like watch sports, so it wasn't as fun as it could have been, but it was relaxed so not really a big deal. These people make me feel like an absolute party beast, which would be very funny if you knew me. I guess the Bucs must have had their bye week cause I didn't see my kickin' sweetie.
Went to Ethiopian place for dinner (you may have noticed this trip revolved mostly around food and drink, which is prolly why I enjoyed it). Had spicy beef and pepper thingy which I immediately termed Hot Beef of Death (it was good :D!),over this spongy Ethiopian bread. The bread is called "injera;" I *learned* something today! *dimpled smile* Didn't try the Ethiopian beer as I'd just had the Sweet Magnolia and didn't want these people to think I'm a raging lush. (Two beers, oh my gawwwwwwd :P) Now I wish I had tried it and to fuck with what they think.
Had Vietnamese lunch (yummy beef-skewery things) then went to see Spirited Away- Gorgeous! Brilliant! Yay, anime! Walked around town for a bit, happened upon a pub that was showing the Pats game, so we went in and ordered a local beer called Sweet Magnolia (very good). I was the only football fan in the group, as everyone else is too stodgy to do something like watch sports, so it wasn't as fun as it could have been, but it was relaxed so not really a big deal. These people make me feel like an absolute party beast, which would be very funny if you knew me. I guess the Bucs must have had their bye week cause I didn't see my kickin' sweetie.
Went to Ethiopian place for dinner (you may have noticed this trip revolved mostly around food and drink, which is prolly why I enjoyed it). Had spicy beef and pepper thingy which I immediately termed Hot Beef of Death (it was good :D!),over this spongy Ethiopian bread. The bread is called "injera;" I *learned* something today! *dimpled smile* Didn't try the Ethiopian beer as I'd just had the Sweet Magnolia and didn't want these people to think I'm a raging lush. (Two beers, oh my gawwwwwwd :P) Now I wish I had tried it and to fuck with what they think.
Saturday:
Went to the Ren Faire, which was startlingly similar to the one I used to go to in LA, minus the yummy strawberry cakes. After recovering from that disappointment, proceeded to get huge mutant turkey leg and pumpkin ale. We ate, drank, and were... about as merry as this group gets, which is not so very. When I'm the biggest rager, you know something is terribly wrong. Have very funny pic of me brandishing aforementioned turkey leg with this big grin on my face. It felt odd to go Faire as a "mundane" (not dressed in period garb), but I felt reasonably spiff in my blue happy turtle shirt and red hoodie and cargo pants (really, what says "Middle Ages" better than cargo pants? Mehhhhf :P.) Oh, and the sword swallower guy was really cute and funny. Hmm. That's about all from that.
Went to dinner at Thai place, for once got something other than Pad Thai (must live a little!) This was when I started feeling a little funny. I realized I was sitting at this table with all these subduedly-dressed people with "Doctor" in front of their names, and there I was in my shirt with the surfing turtle on it feeling like I might as well have "Butthead" in front of my name. Why do I always have to know these very straight people? Why can't I ever have, say, circus people as friends? When they are not talking about work I am able to keep up with them all right, but I still feel misplaced. They prolly secretly think I'm quite freakish, being reasonably bright and articulate with no schooling. I imagine they think I hatched from a pod or something. Hmm.
Went to the Ren Faire, which was startlingly similar to the one I used to go to in LA, minus the yummy strawberry cakes. After recovering from that disappointment, proceeded to get huge mutant turkey leg and pumpkin ale. We ate, drank, and were... about as merry as this group gets, which is not so very. When I'm the biggest rager, you know something is terribly wrong. Have very funny pic of me brandishing aforementioned turkey leg with this big grin on my face. It felt odd to go Faire as a "mundane" (not dressed in period garb), but I felt reasonably spiff in my blue happy turtle shirt and red hoodie and cargo pants (really, what says "Middle Ages" better than cargo pants? Mehhhhf :P.) Oh, and the sword swallower guy was really cute and funny. Hmm. That's about all from that.
Went to dinner at Thai place, for once got something other than Pad Thai (must live a little!) This was when I started feeling a little funny. I realized I was sitting at this table with all these subduedly-dressed people with "Doctor" in front of their names, and there I was in my shirt with the surfing turtle on it feeling like I might as well have "Butthead" in front of my name. Why do I always have to know these very straight people? Why can't I ever have, say, circus people as friends? When they are not talking about work I am able to keep up with them all right, but I still feel misplaced. They prolly secretly think I'm quite freakish, being reasonably bright and articulate with no schooling. I imagine they think I hatched from a pod or something. Hmm.
Well, I ended up signing back on to CL and promptly got invited on a hunt, so I was actually up til *5*30 AM. Gaaah.
Installment one of Charlotte trip report:
Friday was nicely low-key, had a yummy Cuban dinner. Being me, I of course have to sample the beers of every land, so I had Cuban beer with the delightful name of "Hatuey!" Am going to try to work that word into conversation now. Went back to hotel and after promising myself I would sleep for once, ended up staying up and watching Osbournes marathon. Luuuuuuuuuuv the Osbournes. Maybe it is odd and frightening that that show somehow reassures me, but it does.
Installment one of Charlotte trip report:
Friday was nicely low-key, had a yummy Cuban dinner. Being me, I of course have to sample the beers of every land, so I had Cuban beer with the delightful name of "Hatuey!" Am going to try to work that word into conversation now. Went back to hotel and after promising myself I would sleep for once, ended up staying up and watching Osbournes marathon. Luuuuuuuuuuv the Osbournes. Maybe it is odd and frightening that that show somehow reassures me, but it does.
Thursday, November 07, 2002
Wednesday, November 06, 2002
Same day:
I've also come to the conclusion that
wistfulness is a good thing, even if it
is like nostalgia in reverse and equally
useless. I might be depressed now,
but if I had everything I wanted, I'd be
really miserable.
Also, I found my pink plastic pirate
sword broken today. I suspect foul
play. Fie!!!
Think, "candle consultant." Good.
Breathe in, breathe out.
I've also come to the conclusion that
wistfulness is a good thing, even if it
is like nostalgia in reverse and equally
useless. I might be depressed now,
but if I had everything I wanted, I'd be
really miserable.
Also, I found my pink plastic pirate
sword broken today. I suspect foul
play. Fie!!!
Think, "candle consultant." Good.
Breathe in, breathe out.
About a week ago I think:
Was looking through Yahoo profiles
today in my endless quest to find
something resembling myself. It
seems that many of the girls who
share my interests have a sort of hard
edge to them, or a certain... how to
say it... bravado that I cannot seem to
muster. I'm not a badass. I'm quite soft
and squishy really, like a Marshmallow
Peep. This is prolly why I have no
girlfriends. I think they would judge
me for being quiet, mistake it for
weakness or, dear gods, dullness.
(Of course, I'm not *really* quiet,
deep down... I'm a seething cauldron
of fun and excitement, just waiting to
bubble over! Whee!) Men are much
more dealable, but that leads to other
problems. Plus I have that nagging
thought, what if I meet exactly who I'm
looking for and I still can't say a
fucking word? Why can't I master that
perfect economy of speech that
everyone else takes for granted? I try
to keep thoughts like these on the
high shelf in the back of my mind,
next to the half-full can of paint and
the spiders, but sometimes they
spring out at me unawares. (Errr the
thoughts, not the spiders.)
*Frowns*
Then I came across the profile of a
man who listed his occupation as
"candle consultant," and I finally saw
the ultimate absurdity of life. I think I'm
going to be all right now. Thank you.
*Peep!*
Was looking through Yahoo profiles
today in my endless quest to find
something resembling myself. It
seems that many of the girls who
share my interests have a sort of hard
edge to them, or a certain... how to
say it... bravado that I cannot seem to
muster. I'm not a badass. I'm quite soft
and squishy really, like a Marshmallow
Peep. This is prolly why I have no
girlfriends. I think they would judge
me for being quiet, mistake it for
weakness or, dear gods, dullness.
(Of course, I'm not *really* quiet,
deep down... I'm a seething cauldron
of fun and excitement, just waiting to
bubble over! Whee!) Men are much
more dealable, but that leads to other
problems. Plus I have that nagging
thought, what if I meet exactly who I'm
looking for and I still can't say a
fucking word? Why can't I master that
perfect economy of speech that
everyone else takes for granted? I try
to keep thoughts like these on the
high shelf in the back of my mind,
next to the half-full can of paint and
the spiders, but sometimes they
spring out at me unawares. (Errr the
thoughts, not the spiders.)
*Frowns*
Then I came across the profile of a
man who listed his occupation as
"candle consultant," and I finally saw
the ultimate absurdity of life. I think I'm
going to be all right now. Thank you.
*Peep!*
Late Oct 2002
*Sigh* I miss myself sometimes. I
don't know where I went. I seem to
have misplaced myself somewhere
between LA and West Virginia. I'd
really like to have myself back now. I
wasn't so bad. So if you find me
please be sure to get me home
safely, though I wasn't wearing a tag
so you might not know it's me.
I don't know why I've been feeling so
displaced lately. It's not like I want to
go back to California. But there's definitely
something wrong with me. More so
than usual I mean. The trouble with
nostalgia, at least for me, is that you
don't miss the actual thing that
happened, you miss what could have
happened, so you don't realize that
the past is every bit as sucky as the
present until you start feeling
nostalgic about that, too. Hard as it is
to believe, I'll prolly look back fondly
on this someday, thinking, "Oh, that
was the day I wrote about nostalgia in
my journal while eating cheese.
Sigh, that was a good day."
In other news, Martin made 4 field
goals today, whooo!! The Bucs won
and he accounted for all 12 of their
points. KICKER POWER!!
*Sigh* I miss myself sometimes. I
don't know where I went. I seem to
have misplaced myself somewhere
between LA and West Virginia. I'd
really like to have myself back now. I
wasn't so bad. So if you find me
please be sure to get me home
safely, though I wasn't wearing a tag
so you might not know it's me.
I don't know why I've been feeling so
displaced lately. It's not like I want to
go back to California. But there's definitely
something wrong with me. More so
than usual I mean. The trouble with
nostalgia, at least for me, is that you
don't miss the actual thing that
happened, you miss what could have
happened, so you don't realize that
the past is every bit as sucky as the
present until you start feeling
nostalgic about that, too. Hard as it is
to believe, I'll prolly look back fondly
on this someday, thinking, "Oh, that
was the day I wrote about nostalgia in
my journal while eating cheese.
Sigh, that was a good day."
In other news, Martin made 4 field
goals today, whooo!! The Bucs won
and he accounted for all 12 of their
points. KICKER POWER!!
Oct 19 2002
Went to an absolutely creepy old prison today, the one that was on
"Fear." It was very wicked, especially
being around Halloween. Can't stand
frigging weddings though, particularly
traditional, religious ones. They're all
the same. Even down to the
goddamn tablecloths. I now
understand why people do crazy
things like get married bungee
jumping. The church was about a
block from the creepy prison; it would
have been a lot more interesting if
they'd had it there. Also, there's nothing I enjoy more than being told I'm going to hell on a Saturday afternoon. Lovely. Really. Did enjoy a nice
sampler of beverages at the
reception; got near fallen-down
flanged.
Martin made a 48-yarder today, then
missed a 29. KURRRRGH. He did
look tragically adorable in the
aftermath, however.
Went to an absolutely creepy old prison today, the one that was on
"Fear." It was very wicked, especially
being around Halloween. Can't stand
frigging weddings though, particularly
traditional, religious ones. They're all
the same. Even down to the
goddamn tablecloths. I now
understand why people do crazy
things like get married bungee
jumping. The church was about a
block from the creepy prison; it would
have been a lot more interesting if
they'd had it there. Also, there's nothing I enjoy more than being told I'm going to hell on a Saturday afternoon. Lovely. Really. Did enjoy a nice
sampler of beverages at the
reception; got near fallen-down
flanged.
Martin made a 48-yarder today, then
missed a 29. KURRRRGH. He did
look tragically adorable in the
aftermath, however.
Oct 13 2002
Reunion. Ugh. Just the sort of
social mindfuck, pardon my Belgian,
that makes me want to scream. Below
is a copy of what I wrote immediately
after my escape from the bubbling
cauldron of smalltalk:
"Escape- Feeling like an alien, trying
not to sink into depression. Comfy
clothes, football, alcohol, good. A
start toward regaining my natural
composure and identity. Cripes, I
picked at my cuticle so hard there's
blood dribbling down my thumb. Just
what I need, walking around with a
bloody thumb on top of my innate
social inferiority. Or is it superiority- I
never can tell.
I saved a small pink plastic pirate
sword from my dinner the previous
night and stuck it behind my ear as an
accessory. This made me feel better,
more myself, a bit jaunty. Almost like
there might be someone,
somewhere, who was having less
fun. Some day I'm going to wear my
cat ears to a really fancy party and die
happy.
They always ask me what I do. I hate it.
It's not socially acceptable to say I
have an anxiety disorder and stay at
home, so I just have to say I stay at
home which makes me sound like
June fucking Cleaver or something.
And I can't call myself a writer as I am
not published and am making no
move in that direction. I managed one
sentence during the entire lunch- I
looked at my sandwich and said 'This
is really big bread!" In my defense,
the bread was very large, but... gods,
I'm just going to get completely
flanged.
Maybe I am an alien. Maybe I should
take comfort in not being like them. I
should just stay here in this room with
the TV and bottle of sake and this
paper and pen. Far from the chatting
crowd. So why do I still feel
depressed.
Later- I am wandering the hotel halls
like one of the ghosts in The Shining,
searching vainly for a bag of Fritos. I
never feel more unreal than when
faced with total reality, the kind of
yawning reality that threatens to open
up and swallow you whole. I want
nothing more than a stiff drink, a nice
swift kick back into floating, blissful
unreality. Who's to say what is more
real anyway, this social mindfuck or
the tropical island of my imagination.
Why do I still hate myself?
Couldn't take it anymore. Went down
to the gift shop and bought a bag of
Bold Party Blend Chex Mix, which I
enjoyed with nooooo trace of irony
;-).
Life is good. Life is flowers."
Reunion. Ugh. Just the sort of
social mindfuck, pardon my Belgian,
that makes me want to scream. Below
is a copy of what I wrote immediately
after my escape from the bubbling
cauldron of smalltalk:
"Escape- Feeling like an alien, trying
not to sink into depression. Comfy
clothes, football, alcohol, good. A
start toward regaining my natural
composure and identity. Cripes, I
picked at my cuticle so hard there's
blood dribbling down my thumb. Just
what I need, walking around with a
bloody thumb on top of my innate
social inferiority. Or is it superiority- I
never can tell.
I saved a small pink plastic pirate
sword from my dinner the previous
night and stuck it behind my ear as an
accessory. This made me feel better,
more myself, a bit jaunty. Almost like
there might be someone,
somewhere, who was having less
fun. Some day I'm going to wear my
cat ears to a really fancy party and die
happy.
They always ask me what I do. I hate it.
It's not socially acceptable to say I
have an anxiety disorder and stay at
home, so I just have to say I stay at
home which makes me sound like
June fucking Cleaver or something.
And I can't call myself a writer as I am
not published and am making no
move in that direction. I managed one
sentence during the entire lunch- I
looked at my sandwich and said 'This
is really big bread!" In my defense,
the bread was very large, but... gods,
I'm just going to get completely
flanged.
Maybe I am an alien. Maybe I should
take comfort in not being like them. I
should just stay here in this room with
the TV and bottle of sake and this
paper and pen. Far from the chatting
crowd. So why do I still feel
depressed.
Later- I am wandering the hotel halls
like one of the ghosts in The Shining,
searching vainly for a bag of Fritos. I
never feel more unreal than when
faced with total reality, the kind of
yawning reality that threatens to open
up and swallow you whole. I want
nothing more than a stiff drink, a nice
swift kick back into floating, blissful
unreality. Who's to say what is more
real anyway, this social mindfuck or
the tropical island of my imagination.
Why do I still hate myself?
Couldn't take it anymore. Went down
to the gift shop and bought a bag of
Bold Party Blend Chex Mix, which I
enjoyed with nooooo trace of irony
;-).
Life is good. Life is flowers."
Hrm. I'm now wondering how to edit the site description thing. I don't really want "Mehf. I'll write this later" to be my big statement to the world (or the aforementioned two people who will read this, anyway).
Ah, well, here's the introduction from my webpage.
This being the random thought repository of an Angst-ridden catgirl
in her woefully tailless state, abandon
all hope, ye who enter here! Or at
least, you might want to grab a
Snickers. This is kind of a
pseudo-journal but I'm just starting to
date things as the result of actually
leaving the house and having things
to report on. The rest is sort of a
general mishmash, much like my mind
most of the time. And oh yeah, it'll
prolly take up about half of all available
cyberspace ;).
Lissa - Now *not* living a life of quiet
desperation for a record 14 hours!
Whoooo!
Ah, well, here's the introduction from my webpage.
This being the random thought repository of an Angst-ridden catgirl
in her woefully tailless state, abandon
all hope, ye who enter here! Or at
least, you might want to grab a
Snickers. This is kind of a
pseudo-journal but I'm just starting to
date things as the result of actually
leaving the house and having things
to report on. The rest is sort of a
general mishmash, much like my mind
most of the time. And oh yeah, it'll
prolly take up about half of all available
cyberspace ;).
Lissa - Now *not* living a life of quiet
desperation for a record 14 hours!
Whoooo!
All righty, that seems to have done... something. So here I am! *feels mildly drunk with power over the two people who will read this* Basically I am converting my old webpage journal thingy into this here blog, as I was experiencing some "technical difficulties" (the thing went flooey and I scratched my head and said, "Huh?") So the first of the entries you will be reading here are actually old ones, but new to this site. Confusing, yes? Well no, not really. So, I have a blog, which I was greatly relieved to find out is a web diary and not a large and unsightly mole ("I have a blog"... "You might want to see about having that removed.") Ho ho.
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