Thursday, December 10, 2009

I want to run away to Disneyland.

Oh yeah. Thing #1 that makes me happy: being a giant dork. And being comfortable being a giant dork, and having someone to dork out with.

Like seriously, I want to live at Disneyland. Wait, didn't I write this same thing like 5 years ago?

I can't believe I started this journal 7 years ago. I'd say time flies, but... it really doesn't. It just doesn't seem that long ago. I mean, there are things that happened more recently that seem longer ago because they've lost all relevance.

I think writing here again will be good. I find livejournal very stifling when it comes to writing actual feelings. It's good for graphics and silly posts. Not that I won't be silly here... I mean, does the pope shit in the woods? Right, right.

I don't want to stop writing but I think I've run out of things to say. THAT IS A METAPHOR FOR SOMETHING I THINK.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

But I'm tryin, oh lord, I keep tryin...

Apparently when I am very sad I talk in blues songs that don't actually exist. righto.

So umm... I appear to be back here again. There is no way I can possibly clutter up my livejournal with what is currently cluttering up my mind. Which is to say, AHJDHDHHSSHJSJSKJSH. It seems every year about this time I get all depressed and nostalgic and introspective-y and am drawn back here by some mysterious (yet I suspect benign) force. Seasonal depression, thou art a heartless bitch. Long distance relationship, thou art even more so. Bloggy, you take it all with the grace of a camel bearing a shitton of water. Which is to say, I love you bloggy. And possibly something undetermined having to do with humps.

I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF BEING ALONE. There it is in a nutshell. Also I miss things, as I tend to do, but would likely not miss them as acutely if I WAS NOT SO FUCKING SICK OF BEING ALONE.

I think, I hope, I even pray that I have finally met the right person. Of course, he lives in Canada. Of course, I do not live in Canada. STUPID, STUPID GEOGRAPHY. *kicks the border* So this is why, even though I am technically in a relationship, I am still alone all the time and here writing in you, bloggy! Amazing, the irony, innit? The worst part is, as I am feeling this very night, the sense of loneliness and depression I feel WHILE ACTUALLY TALKING WITH HIM is going to ruin the whole thing in the meantime. Yes, I am depresseed and talking to my boyfriend simultaneously because he is not here with me, nor is he ever here with me. One day he will be, or I will be with him rather... presuming the above outlined scenario imagined in the throes of my sadness does not actually happen.

Did I mention, AHJDHDHHSSHJSJSKJSH? I did? Oh, good.

Okay, so I just started talking to him about this stuff. Now THAT'S a first, simultaneously pouring my heart out here and to an actual human being! Could this be... progress? Or something? Something progresslike, like a bird?

I guess we shall see how it concludes! As always I am afraid I will fuck up because I have absolutely no clue what to do with other human beings, and I've already fucked up in this situation, but... he's still here. And the evil little voice in the back of my head chants "for now... for now..." like one of those creepy chanting children in horror movies.

So far so good re: interaction. Okay, this is actually rather funny... play-by-play reporting of the situation. I just need Dick Vitale to jump in and yell, "AWESOME BABY!"

Situation stabilized. Perhaps I should tackle relations in the Middle east next.

Yak Girl

OH WAIT! In midst of actual human contact, I totally forgot I wanted to make this list of things that make me happy! In no particular order:

MST3K (duh)
The Big Bang Theory
Harry Potter
certain nostalgical things from childhood, though this is mixed with sadness since most of them are no longer there... hmm... still mostly happy though.
the vintage-look Mickey Mouse t-shirt I ordered from ebay. This item is tied into the previous two the following ways: 1. It is Disney, duh. 2. Of the many things I remember fondly and wistfully about growing up in LA, Disneyland is STILL THERE.
And lastly, of course, the Boy. Not so much this current, text-based relationship which I find constantly frustrating and sometimes depressing, but HIM. He is the reason I'm putting myself through all this, after all.

Sadness, go away from me...
Sadness, go and climb a tree...
*insert blues riff*
and i'm done.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Loneliness should be a blessing, not a curse. Loneliness should be an implement to bring people together in life-changing ways. Instead everyone is proud, and lonelier. Why are people so damn self-defeating?

If only hearts glowed in the dark.

I'm better than this. I like my dorky, ditzy, crazy, spazzed-out self so much. I miss her. I want her back. I get to be her a little bit in CL... ironic, how I am so much more myself in a game than in "real life." Whatever that is. Ironic also that, through no real design of my own, I now have the life I want for myself in a game. Is this a sign I really can achieve these things? It's just so damn much easier to meet people online. I think I will be a great wife and mom, given the chance, it's getting there that's so damn hard. Why can't I meet someone wonderful in real life like I have online? I'm almost jealous... of myself. :P

I wonder how it all will end up. Maybe there are wonderful things ahead. I'm trying to not let my depression seep into my CL life, since it's the one consistently positive thing I have right now. I don't want to ruin it. But by god, sometimes it's hard and exhausting and more than anything I just want someone to talk to. It's a delicate balance. Putting on a brave and happy face, being the person I want to be, yet deep down wanting to be able to show my weakness and frustration and still be accepted. Sometimes I feel if I don't it will start affecting my game play like it does everything else. Yet I like having the fantasy world as a haven away from it all...

And most of all, I wonder if it's just me. I'm very confused. sigh.


It feels very real. So real that it hurts. It's everything I want, but it isn't real. And yet I wonder, the motivations behind it... am I the only one who feels this way? God, he just makes me feel so deeply.

Stranger things have happened. :)

I might like life if people could just be honest with each other. I might like it a lot.