Tuesday, January 31, 2012


I googled the name of one of my favorite singers from the 90s and this came up

"Detail oriented Accounting Associate with strong organizational, analytical skills, as well as being a team player and having a strong work ethic"

not about the singer obviously lol. But UGH! That is like everything I hate in the world squeezed into one foul, black lagoon-sludge dripping sentence. Let's examine it, shall we?

"Detail oriented" this means absolutely nothing. It might as well be in Bulgarian. Except, Bulgarian means something to Bulgarians. This is nonsensical jargon that should be shot into space.

"accounting associate" soooo... someone who hangs around accountants, but is not an accountant themselves? I'm going with "accounting groupie."

"strong organizational, analytical skills" again this is a lot of letters saying absolutely nothing. Shoot, space.

"as well as being a team player" RETCHH DEAR GOD HOW I HATE THIS PHRASE EWW I THINK I GOT A LITTLE ON ME :/ Seriously, do not say this unless you play for the Boston Red Sox or Green Bay Packers or similar. Only douchepuppets say things like this to impress other douchepuppets.

"strong work ethic" ok, nothing wrong with this one on its own. But it loses all meaning buried in the rest of that crappile. It's the kind of phrase that used to mean something before the tentacles of corporatespeak were upon us. Like, it would be the highest compliment ever coming from your grandfather.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Hat Person of the Year!

See this, THIS is what I'm talking about. That sucker perches naturally on her head, like a bald eagle atop a majestic pine. On me it would look like a large man about to fall off a telephone pole.

me: hi chocolate frog!
sweetie: were sold out, sorry
me: sold out of chocolate frogs?
me: or nipples?
me: or chocolate nipples?
sweetie: sold out of chocolate frogs with nipples
me: dammit
me: you totally ruined christmas

Also we were playing pogo when I saw that CAKREIDER had won something... except I totally read it as CAKERIDER because I'm, y'know, me. So I am now CAKERIDER... RIDER OF CAKE!

Friday, January 27, 2012

It's kind of amazing how many people like me there are on the internet. If only you could walk into a room and sing "PETE ELLIS DODGE LONG BEACH FREEWAY FIRESTONE EXIT SOUTHGATE!" instead of having to stumble through boring small talk. instant bonding right there!

What does everyone remember, 30 years later in their lives? "TWO ALL BEEF PATTIES SPECIAL SAUCE LETTUCE CHEESE PICKLES ONION ON A SESAME SEED BUN" and "GO SEE CAL GO SEE CAL GO SEE CAL!" (or the alternate PUSSYCOW lol). This is interesting in a SCIENCE way.

There totally should have been a band called Pussycow.

me: hi pumpkin pasty!
sweetie: hi sweetie
me: i'm gonna call you all the sweets from hp now
me: except cockroach cluster

We're cute.

EDIT: There is a band called Pussycow! They're from, of course, Long Beach. They play "acid surf rock" and really, what else would they play.

My theory: they actually snuck in a "pussycow" every once in a while to see if anyone was listening. How else do you explain thousands of people from Long Beach to El Segundo hearing the exact same thing? YOU CAN'T.
While I'm strolling down memory lane, I was thrilled and astonished to see an ad for WORTHINGTON FORD late last night. IF YOU NEED A BETTER CAR GO SEE CAL is still alive and kickin! It's like a small spoonful of joy straight from my childhood. I WILL STAND UPON MY HEAD TIL MY EARS ARE TURNING RED, GO SEE CAL GO SEE CAL GO SEE CAL!

...see, this guy really wanted to sell you a car.

Sadly PETE ELLIS DODGE, LONG BEACH FREEWAY, FIRESTONE EXIT, SOUTH GATE! is no longer with us. Or, the dealership isn't anyway. I hope Pete is happily sailing off into the sunset somewhere.

EDIT: Why the internet is awesome. Not only is there a site (http://www.losanjealous.com/2005/12/15/cal-worthington/) with a tribute to Cal Worthington and the stuff that made our childhoods our childhoods, but there was this awesome tidbit nestled within, "All his commercials aside,you want to know what kind of man Cal Worthington REALLY is? Around 1969, an airliner crashed after taking off from LAX, killing all on board (I’m not positive about the year, there were actually 2 within a couple of weeks. This was the second crash). Many commercials were live back then, and channel 13 movie was sponsored by Cal. For the rest of the night, every commercial he did was filled with news about the crash and ongoing rescue efforts, with requests for prayers for those on board. He flat said selling cars wasn’t as important as caring about fellow human beings. Even after all these years, I can remember him fighting to hold back the tears as he kept us informed of the ongoing rescue efforts. Yes, he was a car salesman, but he was a human being first."

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Just for fun...

I grew up in a small town nestled between a giant airport, a sewage treatment plant and the Pacific Ocean. El Segundo you'll always be, home sweet home to meeeeee. However, when I was 8 or so my parents divorced, thus ending my simple life where the sewer meets the sea and embarking on a series of moves that would give most people whiplash.

El Segundo, CA
Simi Valley, CA
Claremore, OK
Spokane, WA
BACK TO Claremore, OK
Boulder, CO
Redondo Beach, CA
Hemet, CA
Reseda/Northridge, CA
Valdese, NC (yes random move to the south - WHIPLASH!)
Somerville, MA
Palm Bay/Melbourne, FL
Morgantown, WV
Mount Morris, PA
Pawtucket/Providence/Woonsocket, RI
New London, CT
Wheat Ridge, CO
Tarzana, CA
COMING SOON: Edmonton, Alberta, CANADA!

The further back you go, the more cool stuff I remember. I'm glad I got to see all these different areas before the great assimilation.

And actually, downtown El Segundo hasn't changed that much. A lot of development sprung up around the town, but "Mayberry" was left pretty much intact. A few of the same businesses, most different, but the same small town charm. My beloved library park hadn't changed a bit, I think even the roses were the same ones from 1982. I was sad to see the old drugstore and Hallmark store on main street gone, that drugstore was like a staple of my childhood. Also, the old windmill-shaped market on Center Street (which I knew was long gone) seemed to currently house some kind of... post-modern baby store. No, I don't know what that means either. 0_o

My favorite restaurant, La Paz, had moved from Main Street (into the weird baby store lot, ironically) but it had the same ownership and the menu hadn't changed much if at all. I think even the red plastic booths were the same. Seriously, I don't think they've even made those since 1975. I ordered the beef and cheese burrito I always got as a kid and WOW, it tasted exactly as good as I remembered. Like the memory was imprinted on my taste buds and it did not disappoint. I can't wait to go back one more time and pay my respects before taking off to the great white north, eh.

Yep this is where I'm from, Mayberry by the Sea. This probably explains a lot about my hatred of encroaching wal-marts - the tentacles are upon us, ruuuuun! (El Segundo still doesn't have a wal-mart btw. A small moral victory.)
People are always ruining everything.

No not really a negative post, no worries. Holden just popped into my head at this moment. I'm reading the abandoned places community where people post all these cool photos and someone always has to come along and say "THAT'S NOT COOL YOU SUCK" or whatever. Seriously, why do people always have to be douchepuppets? Is it like, ingrained in our DNA or something? Didn't you listen when your mama told you, "If you don't have anything nice to say, shut yer damn hole?"

For the record, I think you're all cool. POSITIVE VIBES AND FAIRY DUST ON THE WORLD!!
So in light of my last couple posts, I'm stopping right here and backing this blog up. From now on I'm focusing on the AWESOME in life. (Well, except T&T, cause it's AWESOMELY AWFUL.) While working on my "search for sanity" post, I was watching all these awesome videos. And it hit me like a rather obvious ton of bricks. This stuff isn't just escapism... this is the sweet sweet valley of sanity. Taking what you love and DOING something with it, instead of doing what THE MAN says you should do. Tee hee... THE MAN. I apparently now live in the 60s and smoke lots of weed.

Anyway. This guy, Adam the Woo, is my favorite. If anyone reads this thing ever, check out his site! Warning: may cause sleep deprivation. http://adamthewoo.tumblr.com/ One of my favorite things about this guy is he never seems to have a flashlight. That would so be me. "OOH DARK CREEPY PLACE! *RUN RUN FLAIL* CAN'T WAIT... oh. In my excitement I seem to have forgotten my flashlight, can I borrow yours?"

What this guy was doing last week while I was watching T&T:

Yeah, I suck. But I suck slightly less for having watched this. I'm gonna donate to him and suggest a few cool spots if he ever comes out west. You know, I used to think I was so weird for liking stuff like this. Yay internet for making me feel less weird! Side note: why does it seem like people on the internet and people in real life are like, totally different people? When I express an interest in something "off the beaten track" to someone I meet in person, I get the 0_o face. But online, there are hundreds of people going "yeah me too that's awesome!" I guess it's just easier to find like-minded people online. Man, I wish "real life" could be more like that. Not that the internet isn't "real life," it's not like you're transported to the Magical Land of Oz while you're online... lol.

These guys are cool too! They're like the kings of awesome crumbly structures. http://stuffthatsgone.com/

Obviously I wanna explore stuff myself, not just watch other people doing it. I have done this every chance I've gotten though sadly, I don't own a camera so it's just for my own enjoyment. I think what really renewed my interest was last year, when I lived in Colorado and went to Lakeside Amusement Park (an awesomely old and NOT abandoned place), and saw the long-abandoned Lakeside Speedway sitting next to it. Even from the outside, this thing is INSANELY awesome and creepy. I wanted in so bad, but all I could do was peer through some cracks in the wall. I always meant to go back by myself and see if I could find a way in. But even just walking the exterior is cool. I got a FEELING when I was close to it, not exactly a "this place is haunted" feeling but a "something strange happened here" feeling. When I got home I immediately looked it up online and there it was... it closed in 1988 after a spectator was killed. I didn't see any reports of it being haunted, but if you're receptive to certain feelings like I am, there is a major cool creepy vibe there.

I did not take this rad photo.

After staring through those cracks like a kid at a candy store window, I was reluctantly pulled away and back to the "real world." There was nothing more to see. But for me there was. I could have stood there a lot longer, just soaking it in. It was then I realized I have an odd kind of sensitivity that most people don't have, or have to a much lesser extent. I'm not sure how to explain it. I'm not psychic, I don't see ghosts, but I feel "attuned" to things, both visible and not, well beyond the point that other people would say "I'm boooooooored." I think I'd be good at exploring because I have no fear (within reason, I wouldn't do anything stupid). I have no fear because I love being creeped out.

I will leave you with this because it is literally my favorite thing ever. Creepy burnt ruins AND my sense of humor! Oh this guy also shares my love for weird roadside attractions, Disney parks, and old B horror movies. I wonder if he's a MSTie too. And he eschews the consumer grind by living in his van and going on adventures. Swell! I think he's my brother from another mother. or something that sounds less stupid.

I just typed "nipples flying everywhere!" to my fiance. (He works in a warehouse. There are metal doohickeys called nipples. I don't ask too many questions.)
There are two kinds of people in this world.

Those who see something like this and run away screaming, and those who see it and run towards it... screaming. I am the latter. "This" is an image from an abandoned theme park called Dogpatch USA in Arkansas that I actually went to as a child. No it isn't a dead body, just a dead hillbilly dummy (photo from undergroundozarks.com, which is a cool site).

I've always had a love for the past. Not history like wars and who was king of Austria in 1702 or whatever crap you're forced to memorize in school, but modern history. Personal history. Towns, buildings, people, stories. For example, what happened in Centralia, PA. Sad, creepy, and endlessly fascinating.

Again... two kinds of people.


I've also always had a love for odd and unique things. One of my favorite places growing up, as much as I remember because I was so young, was the Old Towne Mall in Torrance, CA. This was not an ordinary mall, more like a small town carnival. It had this fairy tale kind of dark ride in it that I can barely remember the details of, yet the atmosphere is one of the most lingering memories of my childhood. It was magical, in all its low-budget glory. It's also long, long gone. I've searched the internet for years for any images of this ride, but none seem to exist. A lot of people who have similar memories of it to this day, and some great photos of the mall itself, but not that one thing from my childhood I want back. It's sort of become my Holy Grail. In my perfect world, this mall and this ride would still be there. Instead, it is a strip mall. In my dreams, the fairy tale ride and its inhabitants still sit, untouched for 25 years, behind the wall of the Best Buy or whatever it is now, waiting to be discovered.

I still remember exactly what this place smelled like - caramel corn, cotton candy, and FUN!

I've also always had a love for abandoned things. As a child I remember being drawn to old ruins, caves, empty houses (I even have a picture of me on a camping trip in Utah or someplace when I was about 6, building my own "ruin" out of rocks for me and my dolls to live in. :D) Old bridges, aqueducts, lighthouses, railroad tracks and trestles, any kind of random structure, crumbling or just old and interesting captures my imagination. And the internet is full of seriously cool people who feel the same way and make cool stuff out of it!

~ continued next post

Tuesday, January 24, 2012


I was writing up a post entitled "the sweet sweet valley of sanity," about how things seem to be going to these ridiculous mountains of extremes and my search for, well, the sweet sweet valley of sanity. It occurred to me that I mostly write about stuff I don't like on here, and my only really "fun" posts are my T&T posts, which I also don't like but at least I can snark the crap out of. It's weird because I'm really not a negative person, more of a walking MST, taking life's absurdities with a sort of non-aggressive mocking stance.

The reasons for this negativity are my SA obviously, and how this place serves as a refuge when I'm feeling particularly wretched. Maybe not so fun to read, but therapeutic. But beyond that there is what I see as the growing negativity in the world, which was exacerbated by my ill-fated interest in politics. We have a generation coming up that relates to the world through text messages and tweets and I wonder, do they feel the world? Do they ever think about where they came from, what's around them? I see humans becoming more desensitized and less connected every day. The world is always changing, and there have been some fantastic advances in the last 30 years, socially and technologically, that I wouldn't change for anything. But there are also really noticeable and disturbing changes that have taken place since I was a child that I don't think are beneficial or even natural.

Chiefly ~ the strip mallification of America. We've always had chain stores and there's nothing wrong with them, but it wasn't always like this. Everywhere you go in this country it's exactly the same, the same handful of stores that have driven out the unique regional culture. I mean, the only way you can even tell where you are anymore is what kind of trees are growing there.* Sometimes I come upon one of these monstrosities and I feel claustrophobic, I actually can't breathe. These big companies are strangling the life out of this country, and nobody seems to care. I mean when I was a kid we shopped at the "big" stores sometimes, but we also shopped at other places for variety. I guess somewhere along the line, people stopped doing that. They said fuck it, I wanna get tires and chewing gum and lawn furniture at the same damn place, every single day, no surprises, no soul, no problem. In and out and back home to watch tv and go to bed for another day of supporting the endless grind. Do they ever wonder what else is out there? Do they ever remember how things used to be, what still lies beneath the plastic surface?

*on the bright side, at least there are still trees.

The thing is, I think most people forget their childhood. They disregard it as something to "move on from." And with each generation, even children have less and less true childhood wonder (the kind that isn't manufactured in Japan). I think adults should celebrate their childhoods without shame, not in a way that's dwelling on the past but keeping alive what's important and interesting NOW, and preserving it for the future. This is what we are losing, our sense of preservation. Somewhere along the line, everything started becoming disposable. This is not progress, this is waste.

So, I will write my sweet sweet valley of sanity post another time, and end with this before my next post of STUFF THAT MAKES ME HAPPY DAMMIT. The reason I'm becoming so enamored with abandoned places (and other people who appreciate them) is not only because it's fun and creepy and damn interesting to explore the past but because it makes me feel less alone in my sensibilities. Other people are drawn to something besides what's presented to them as a consumer, other people CARE. And mostly, to preserve these things in some way before they're swept away forever to become something soulless and counter-intuitive to humanity like an office park.

Sure, looking at cool things in a state of decay can be sad, but at least it's an interesting kind of sad. It makes you think. It makes you feel. And somehow, they seem more alive and less decayed than the Everytown Big Store Consumer Depots of Hell. The old remnants are somehow alive, their souls remain. They speak to me. I also find them beautiful and sometimes, oddly, positive. It's less about what's gone than what's still there, the ruins and the memories.

Maybe it's sad that exploring the past has become more appealing in some ways than the present, but one astute Youtube commenter said it best in a video entitled "Last Day at Kiddieland" (which is pretty much also the title of my life), about the closing of a beloved children's amusement park. From the description: "Started in 1929, the suburban Chicago Kiddieland survived the Great Depression, a World War and countless other challenges only to fall to a family dispute. One small branch of the family wanted to sell the land. The other, larger branch wanted to keep the park alive. Money won. Doesn't it always? Another big box retailer, a Wal-Mart or a Costco or something similar will replace Kiddieland..."

Commenter: you know....what made america, america is slowly dissapearing

Yeah... that's pretty much my whole post in one amazing sentence. Did that leave anyone else feeling gut-punched and winded like it did me? This is actually HAPPENING, and it's happening less and less slowly as we become more and more fast-paced and disposable and me me me and now now now and more more more. I mean, my favorite song "Big Yellow Taxi" was written in 1970. Before I was born. The warning signs were there even 40 years ago, but instead of paying attention we've just let more and more iconic things die. And for WHAT? For NOTHING! For profit, which means absolutely nothing in a world with nothing left to spend it on but... more profit. "If I die with the most crap, I win the world's biggest and most pointless game of Monopoly!"

These things that make up the fabric of our country are not things you trade in like a car or a computer. They don't need an upgrade, they're fine the way they are. And when they're gone, they're gone forever. And so is an important piece of who we are.

What makes humans, human is slowly disappearing.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

~~Bob's a Beauty Queen~~

So what have I been watching? Well the title of this post should give you a clue... or a seizure... or both. I got on a huge kick of watching "people explore abandoned places!" videos on youtube (at least until I got sucked into dumb game show answers), because that shit is creepy and I love it and wish I could do it. I still have more of those I want to watch, but I found myself feeling the T&T "itch." (Eww. That sounds even worse than it sounded in my head. And in my head it sounded like a yeast infection.)

Anyway! Bob's a beauty queen. Yes. I'm not sure any more detail is required, but let me just say this. To the parents who say "I had kids JUST to put them in pageants," a question: Now obviously your sense of... well, everything is a bit askew, but what makes you think it's ok to admit that? Not only where your children will hear it, which is evil enough, but on national tv? Do you think this is going to impress people or something? "Wow, her dedication is inspiring, she went through 20 hours of labor just for pageants! Way to chase your dreams, you go girl!"

I wonder if her husband is referred to as "pageant sperm donor." I'm sure they all feel just wonderful about themselves. "When I had my son, I was so disappointed, til I found out boys could do pageants too!" Hence... Bob's a Beauty Queen. So, yeah. "Bob" looks like an adorable leprechaun, but who the hell calls their toddler Bob? Bob is permanently middle aged and doing your taxes. Well it's better than Maverick or Parker or Braxton or Haiden or Mykale or Kyvynn or Ye Olde Englishe Bobbe, so I guess I can't complain. It's just weird!

The 5 year old daughter this woman finally spawned for pageants: "When I lose, my heart is very small and black." And the title of World's Youngest Emo goes to... wow, just wow. I think "small and black" is a good way to describe what the atmosphere must be like in that house, as well as mom's heart, possibly dad's testicles, and my soul after watching this many episodes of T&T. (Actually, Dad seems rather chipper for a sperm donor.)

UGH! "Bob" is a cutie but he has one of those terrible, nasty, long skinny hair tails! Can someone explain the existence of these to me please? They look like rat tails! They serve no purpose except to say, "hi, my parents are crackers!" and ensure he winds up on People of Wal-Mart some day. They're not even as cool as mullets. Sheesh.

Mom: "My husband and I watch a lot of drag shows." Ahh... that explains the chipperness. However, this is the second episode I've seen lately where the kids are around drag queens, and it's pretty freaking awesome to see what teaching tolerance at a young age does. They haven't been taught that gay is "wrong" so... it isn't. How simple it could be to end almost all discrimination this way. Kids are awesome, like little vessels of acceptance. Parents, please don't fill that vessel with haterade. Thank you.

Or in the wise words of Bob, "Don't worry, I'm a jingling elf!" Exactly, Bob. Those are words we can all live by. And him hugging his sister and saying "Riley won!" at the end was so genuine and cute. I take it back, this is a nice family that actually likes each other. Mom's not evil, just tacky. The tail's in the tale... er, the tale's in the tail. something.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Speaking of youtube, I am extremely tired. I shall call this the Youtube Black Hole Syndrome. You go on to watch particular things, you have a plan! ... then somehow halfway through you get sucked into something else, then something else and else and else til you completely forget where you were, what you were doing, and suddenly it's 3AM and you're watching something ridiculous like "worst Jeopardy answers EVAR" and you CAN'T STOP.

So, this is why I'm tired.
Some awesomeness I randomly discovered on youtube:


This puts into words exactly what I've wanted to say. This shit is why I can't follow politics anymore.

ANGRY MOB: Show us your birth certificate!
OBAMA: *ignores idiots, does presidenty stuff*
PEOPLE WITH BRAINS: Why does he have to show a birth certificate? because he's black? because his name sounds foreign? kinda doubt there'd be an issue if he had, say, an Italian name...
ANGRY MOB: But Obama rhymes with OSAMA, so he must be foreign and Muslim and a terrorist and possibly Hitler!
LOGIC: So a mouse is a house? A cat is a bat? Should I knock on my floor, and feed cheese to my hat?
DR. SUESS: *gets book idea*
ANGRY MOB: rabble rabble rabble socialism taxes we hate gays!
LOGIC: er, what?
ANGRY MOB: *waves flag angrily*
FLAG: *cringes* this wasn't my idea everyone, really... can't we all just get alo... OW!
LOGIC *explodes*
FLAG: why couldn't I have been hung in a nice cosy prison like my cousin Larry? Man, he gets all the cushy gigs, while I'm stuck out here with these goons... I need a smoke.
OBAMA: Shiny birth certificate, right here! Sit n spin, mothafuckers! (ok, that's what I wish he'd said...)
PEOPLE WITH BRAINS: So if he produces a birth certificate, it's proof it's a fake and he's a Muslim terrorist, and if he doesn't produce one, it's proof it doesn't exist and he's a Muslim terrorist. Am I getting this straight here? It's almost like you're setting him up to fail no matter what... but that would be unpatriotic, wouldn't it?
ANGRY SWEATY GUY WEARING BEER-STAINED FLAG SHIRT: You're unpatriotic, smartass, stop disrespecting the flag!
FLAG: Hey maybe I don't have it that bad, I could have gotten that gig... *shudders*
OBAMA: Off to kill bin Laden now, kthxbai
FOX NEWS: George Bush killed bin Laden with his awesome foreign policies!
OBAMA: *ovalofficeheaddesk* (and that is one big solid sucker of a desk, OW :/)
LOGIC: Screw this shit, I'm going to the pub.

Soooo yeah, stupid people are allergic to logic. They REPEL it, because if it was allowed to come in contact with their skin they would break out in hives. This is SCIENCE, people.

And religion isn't really the same thing. Except when it comes to the denial of evolution, there are no FACTS at stake in religion, because the existence or non-existence of God will never be a fact. It's all about faith and you know, whatever floats your boat. Instead, I think some of these people are taking the faith concept from religion and applying it to their other deeply held beliefs, even ones that can be disputed by facts. Your logic only makes my ignorance stronger, sucka! Remember what happened to a gremlin when you got it wet or fed it after midnight? Yeah, kinda like that.

LOGIC: *mumbles* can I have *hic!* 'nother round pleashe... *falls off barstool*
BARTENDER: Sorry, we're closing. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.
LOGIC: what is home, do I have a home anymore...? *passes out in a sad philosophical stupor*

This is your wake up call, America! You're turning logic into a homeless sad drunk. SAVE LOGIC NOW, before it asks you for spare change for the bus!


This dude also brings to light the Mean Christian idea. I really, really like this dude. "Gentle, loving Christians" indeed.


This is not a knock on Christians who truly spread God's love and are positive influences on the world. It's asking why so many seem to be straying from that and becoming hateful, foaming at the mouth rabid wolverines. I think, or maybe hope, the majority of Christians still preach the prevailing message of Christ, which to me is "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" and "start loving your fellow man the fuck already, GOD.* I mean, DAD."

*No, I don't know why Jesus sounded like Napoleon Dynamite in my head just then. HE JUST DID OK

But I see too many people in these hate churches, especially young people, to dismiss them as fringe. This is what Christianity is to some people, being God's bully. God's goon. This is not right, and they can't hide behind the excuse of religion, especially when some of their beliefs so closely resemble the fundamentalist Muslims they rail against (without bothering to make the distinction that not all Muslims are fundamentalist.) It's hate, pure and simple, and that will never be a religion no matter what poor deity you slap onto it.

And this one's for you, Congresswoman Bachmann. Happy trails. Now you can devote all your time to praying that your husband keeps not being gay, or whatever. Cause no one could use that prayer power for you know, food or water or shelter or peace or a cure for their brain tumor or anything. Not when there's all that GAY running around!

And on a tangential note...

True, so true. So next time, please don't hire incompetent blowhard jackwagons in the first place. Hindsight may be 20/20, but foresight isn't blind people!

Friday, January 13, 2012

"For me, my ultimate goal is to try out for a lingerie football league." - Weird Priority Woman (AKA Pageant Mom)

Oh Toddlers and Tiaras, how I've missed you.

And I think I have a new blog title. Oh yes, I think I do.

Her ULTIMATE goal. I'm just gonna let y'all mull over the various things that could have been her ultimate goal for a while, and come back in a couple days.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Also: O HAI 2012.

So a crumpet appears to be a piece of bread that exists so you have something to put your blackberry jam on. Cause eating it straight from the jar is undignified. Even if you keep your pinky out. omnomnom.

First Very Important Knowledge of 2012: When you search for "Old Navy" on ebay, you sometimes get things that are old, and from the Navy.

I am questioning the whimsical goatee on this sailor. Not in a "don't ask don't tell" sort of way, but in a "excuse me Pierre, you seemed to have escaped from an old cartoon featuring stereotypical Frenchman and mistaken that hat for a beret" sort of way. Not that you don't look adorable, but...

yes. This is what I'm saying. I wonder how many Frenchman ACTUALLY WORE a striped shirt and beret and kicky red scarf while pedaling down the streets of Paris for it to become a stereotype. I mean, you wouldn't think it would be THAT many. Maybe it was the uniform for some kind of Giant Bread Bicycle Delivery Service?

So in 100 years, this will be the Stereotypical American. Don't say I didn't warn you.

EDIT: I was close! Apparently it was traditional wear for Onion Bicycle Deliverers who pedaled over to England to... deliver onions. On a bicycle. Seriously. Except for the fact that I loathe onions, that's actually rather charming. It still doesn't explain the Giant Bread, though. I mean, bread and onions? Eww! No wonder they needed the wine, though I'm not sure that's the best idea when you're travelling to another country by bicycle. Those were probably the idyllic days when there was hardly any traffic and you could ride your bike naked down the center of the road chugging wine and singing Alouette at the top of your lungs and not encounter anyone but an annoyed squirrel.* Stupid traffic, ruining all the fun charming things in life! Like public nudity, or riding through the English countryside chugging wine on a warm summer's day. Or you know... having space. To breathe. Ever.

*Annoyed squirrels in France also wear berets. They don't ride bicycles, though. That would be ridiculous.
I am somewhat envious of people who wear hats. Now I realize anyone can wear a hat, but that does not automatically make you a Person Who Wears Hats. A person who wears hats looks like the hat just naturally occurred on their head, like a rainbow or a stalagmite. Whereas a non-hat person looks like, "I just put a thing on my head. I'm not sure why. It's not remotely connected to the rest of my body, and it sort of itches. How long must I keep it on to have officially Worn a Hat?" And it always looks like it's either too big, too small, about to come off, or some odd combination of all three. It is eventually removed and replaced by an expression of "Hat? What hat? I wasn't wearing a hat, la la la..." while it sits awkwardly to the side, wondering why it couldn't have found a proper hat person to wear it to a tea party.

Hat people always look knowing and breezy and very much off to a tea party. NO, hat people always look like they're hosting a tea party. Wherever they go. The DMV, whatever. And I mean the sort of tea party you drink tea at, not the sort you bring your rifle and delightful Obama-as-a-monkey poster to. Cause he's BLACK HAHA GET IT? Oh wait... WHAT century is this?

But I digress. However, I think the ye-olde-englishe-pinky-sticking-out-care-for-another-crumpet-wot-wot kind of tea party is becoming more in fashion than the "we're not racists, really, we just hate the president and think he eats a lot of bananas, GEEZ" kind. And this makes me happy. It also makes me want a crumpet. Or, it makes me want to find out what a crumpet is and then want one. Cheerio!