Friday, June 27, 2014

Feel Good Friday!

Almost forgot, but never too late to feel good! Some girls do :)

NON-worthless Yahoo Headline of the day:

"Amy Adams Gives Up First Class Seat to US Soldier in Coach"

Usually celebrity stories are all style, no substance. This however is awesome, and a great reminder of what really matters amidst all the "news" about stupid K-named people trying on swimwear. This is class.

I fully expect to be back tomorrow with a headline about what shoes Kylie whoever wore to the gynecologist, but I'll enjoy this while I can.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Worthless Yahoo Headline of the Day:

"Jessica Simpson Wears Floral Running Shorts for Dermatologist Visit: See Her Incredible Legs"*

Wow that is some hard-hitting news there, folks. I can't wait to see what she wears next month to her podiatrist appointment! I hope it's a tutu with ugg boots. *FINGERS CROSSED*

*I actually think her outfit is really cute and she looks nice. But that is BESIDE THE POINT. How a woman dresses to go to a damn doctor appointment is NOT NEWS, people!

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Life would be more fun right now if I was into soccer. Guess I'm just missing the soccer gene.

Oh, dear

Maybe I should stop reading blogs. I would have never known this existed on my own.

"Got a keg of beer and a bunch of girls" - REALLY? I've never heard of such a thing! BEER and GIRLS in a song? What will these crazy outlaws think of next?! I know, they should take the keg of beer and the girls and put em in - wait for it, this is genius - a TRUCK! Y'know, the big jacked up kind you can crank Nelly real loud out of? I mean, Hank Williams, obviously. So easy to get them confused. Anyway, this sure is a nice change from all those songs about warm milk and bible studies!

LOL... "Crank that country up loud" - I will, as soon as you turn down your shitty rock song!

Seriously, what is this atrocity?

The only thing I can definitively say is, it's not a country song. It could be pretty much anything else though. Is it a terrible rock song? Is it "Friday" with a guitar? Is it nuclear fallout set to music? Is it a rabies-infested raccoon stumbling around someone's tool shed? Poor raccoon. They should really put it out of its misery.

Okay, palate cleansing time. You know, I'd pretty much forgotten more good music from the 90s than I've even heard in the last 5 years. Here's one of those gems, from another artist I miss.

Monday, June 23, 2014

Mullet Monday!

Basically I think everyone either needs to grow, or regrow, a mullet. While doing that "then and now" post yesterday, I kept thinking, what has changed so much since the 90s? The 90s weren't that long ago, I mean we're not talking the 50s here. Why has my music become so radically different? And the only thing I could think of was...

MULLETS! Everyone had 'em back then. Even most of the women! (Okay maybe not, but still.) I've determined that good music comes right from the mullet. So I declare this to be Mullet Monday, and am celebrating by putting up a Hall of Mullets. Enjoy, and BRING BACK THE MULLET! Before it's too late and everything sounds like Pitbull...

I miss this look so much! This will always be country music to me.

An entire Band of Mullets!

And of course, the Mullet King:

Sunday, June 22, 2014


"Mary moved to West Virginia
After the shock wore off
She got a divorce and a chestnut horse
And a barn with an old hayloft
Sometimes she rides by the river
Says it makes her feel reckless and young
She just closes her eyes and she holds on tight
And she lets that pony run"


Gonna ride that donkey donkey
Down to the Honky Tonky
Its gonna get funky funky (ow ow) x2


"You and me going fishing in the dark,
Lying on our backs and counting the stars
Where the cool grass grows.
Down by the river in the full moon light,
We'll be fallin' in love in the middle of the night
Just movin' slow
Stayin' the whole night thru, feels so good to be with you"


"I heard you had to drive him home after two umbrella drinks
I heard he's got a Prius, 'cause he's into bein' green
My buddies said he saw y'all, eatin' that sushi stuff
Baby that don't sound like you, that don't sound like love,
Sounds like it sucks...

He can't even bait a hook
He can't even skin a buck
He don't know who Jack Daniels is
He ain't ever drove a truck"


"I was 12 when daddy said to me
Don't take to drinking boy that road don't lead no where
And don't you ever let me hear you swear
Don't you dare
He told me that stealing's a lazy man's way
Something for nothing leaves you hell to pay so don't buy into it
and then you can look the whole world in the eye
Honey I've tried
But Since I met you girl I've been breaking every rule
I must confess I'm just a back sliding fool

I want to drink from your loving cup
Swear I'll never give you up
Steal all your kisses underneath the moon
I wanna lie here close to you look at what you made me do
Darling you're the reason why
I drink, swear, steal and lie"


"Tonight is bottoms up
Throw it on down
Rock this quiet, little country town
Get up
Drop a tailgate on ya truck
Find a keg and fill ya cup up
Kick it on back
Pretty little mama lookin at ya like that
Make ya wanna slide on in like, "Girl, what's up"
Yeah tonight is bottoms up
Get em up
Tonight is bottoms up
Get em up


"Radio playin' our favorite song
I'll change the station if the news comes on
When the signal ain't comin' in too strong
We'll make our own music honey all night long

If the Good Lord's willin' when we're old and gray
The kids are grown up and moved away
We'll be rockin it side by side
With the barbecue chicken and the T.V. guide

Well, there ain't no place that I'd rather be
Next to you, sittin' next to me"

Now THAT'S my kind of night.


"I got that real good feel good stuff
Up under the seat of my big black jacked up truck
Rollin' on 35s
Pretty girl by my side

You got that sun tan skirt and boots
Waiting on you to look my way and scoot
Your little hot self over here
Girl hand me another beer, yeah!

All them other boys wanna wind you up and take you downtown
But you look like the kind that likes to take it way out
Out where the corn rows grow, row, row my boat
Floatin’ down the Flint River, catch us up a little catfish dinner
Gonna sound like a winner, when I lay you down and love you right
Yeah, that’s my kind of night!

Might sit down on my diamond plate tailgate
Put in my country ride hip-hop mixtape
Little Conway, a little T-Pain, might just make it rain"

I like how this doesn't even require any commentary, so I can be lazy on a Sunday evening.

Friday, June 20, 2014

Feel Good Friday!

Sometimes I get tired of snarking, ranting, and being generally contrary (as therapeutic as that can be), and I just wanna kick back and listen to some music. So every Friday I'll post a country or rock song or two that just makes me feel good.

George Strait might be an obvious choice, but sometimes things are obvious for a reason. :)

Ready for the weekend with some great music!

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Yesterday I made a 165-song playlist that's a mix of my favorite 90s country and classic rock. I called it "good shit." These musical styles actually mesh pretty well together. "Long Train Running" just led into "If I Didn't Have You," which is pretty damn awesome. There's a reason country and rock can mix well together, if done right. Good country and good rock have a lot in common. Same basic song structure, same emphasis on strong vocals and instrumentation, some kind of lyrical content. This is why southern rock works as a genre.

Hip hop and EDM will never work in country for me, not only because I don't like those genres but because it just doesn't mesh. The songs don't even follow the same rules. The emphasis is OFF all the things that make country and rock music great - the instruments, the vocals, the lyrics - and seems to focus entirely on dance beats. This is fine for clubs, where it's always been safely hidden away from me because I hate nightclub culture with a passion. But for the life of me, I can't understand why this music is not only popular outside of clubs now, but taking over pop music and oozing into country. What, exactly, are people doing to this music outside of clubs? Are they listening to this in their cars and homes? How are they doing so without having terrible accidents?

Monday, June 16, 2014

Worthless Yahoo headline of the day

So Tony Gwynn died today. Obviously that's not the worthless headline, I'm getting there. Tony Gwynn was one of the last of the greats, not only hitting wise, but in his loyalty to his team. He and Cal Ripken were the class acts of the time. Recently-retired Chipper Jones and retiring Derek Jeter followed in their footsteps. What these players represent transcends sports. In this age of greed above all else, they chose something else. They chose integrity. Actually they probably didn't choose it, it was probably just ingrained in their character. I worry this kind of integrity is all but gone, not only from the world of sports but the world in general. As the me-me-me I'll-take-mine-and-screw-everyone-else mentality becomes more normal, especially among "role models," it's disappearing even more. It's frightening, the greed monster we're turning into. In sports, in music, in business, even in our day to day lives.

Baseball lost a great man today at the young age of 54. The world lost a true role model. Please, don't ever forget Tony Gwynn. RIP.

That said... what did Yahoo choose to place FOUR STORIES ahead of Gwynn's death?

"Kendall Jenner's dress with two slits"

Seriously, who the fuck ARE these people?? They dominate every headline and they've never done anything except be on a dumb reality show as far as I can tell. They are the antithesis of Tony Gwynn. They embody every shallow, soulless, stupid thing out there this greed monster has helped create. I don't know what the hell is going on in the world that makes these people something we're supposed to care about, but STOP IT.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Music is powerful

Music is powerful. It's more powerful than charts or any of the other artifice that's been built up around it.

I've been enjoying listening to some newer music lately, but my heart keeps going back to my favorite 90s stuff. Why is that? Well, it's almost across the board better music, but it's much more than that. A big part of enjoying music comes from the memories it makes; you hear a certain song and it takes you back. Songs have even been written about the power of songs. Kenny Chesney's I Go Back and Eric Church's Springsteen are two good ones.

So why would I want to return to the 90s, which was an absolutely terrible time for me personally? One of the reasons I still like 80s pop music is it takes me back to being a kid. Great memories. (I also like the fun, catchy music. Pop before it become one long electronic drone.) So why 90s? I've come to the conclusion that the music is so good, so powerful, that it in itself has become the memory. Hearing those songs doesn't take me back to the loneliness, the heartbreak, the complete shittiness of being a teenage girl and young woman in her 20s. The songs themselves supercede that, even cleanse it. All I hear is the music. All I remember is driving around listening to it. I might as well have not had a care in the world.

I remember how the music saved me, and still does.

This is why good, non-disposable music is so damn important.

There was a "sound" in country music, from the late 80s into about the early 2000s. I call it 90s country because pretty much the whole decade was like this (though less so in the later years). The best way to describe this sound is "warm." Warm vocals, warm songwriting, the warmth and genuine feeling that can only come from real musicians playing real instruments. I'm choosing these two songs not to go out of my way to prove my point; I looked at my list of hundreds of 90s songs and just let two pop out at me. My point being, it was very easy to find two songs that embody that warmth and feeling from back then, because almost every song had it. From the top artists, to the middle stars like Mark Chesnutt (who should have been bigger), down to those who had only a few hits. This was the sound.

So for everyone who thinks it's no big deal what "country" sounds like now, or who even thinks it's rightly "evolving," here are two songs that I feel embody today's soulless, ugly sound. I didn't pick something off the rails like "Donkey," I didn't need to. It's just as easy finding the bad now as it was finding the good back then. And THAT'S what I'm trying to contrast here. Not song vs song, but sound vs sound. This is too big to just sweep under the rug and not fight for.

The first one is useless garbage with a shamelessly catchy chorus. The second one is secondrate rock music, like something a Bon Jovi cover band would write in their off time. And these are, respectively, the number one and number five songs on Billboard right now. And they're very indicative of the sound of the past five or so years.

So who wants to tell me we don't have a serious problem here? And yes, I do take music damn seriously. Music is the closest thing we have to heaven. Music has the power to temporarily transport us out of our minds, out of our troubles, and into another state. Do you really want that state to be:

"Yeah holla at your boy if you need a ride
If you roll with me yeah you know we rollin' high
Up on them 37 Nittos, windows tinted hard to see though
How fresh my baby is in the shotgun seat oh
Them kisses are for me though, automatic like a free throw
This life I live it might not be for you but it's for me though
Let's roll!"

Jesus. I think my computer just got dumber from copying and pasting that.

It's important to note there's still good music on the radio. Chris Young, Randy Houser, Easton Corbin, Eli Young Band, and Dierks Bentley all have that warm sound on most of their songs. (I really hope they keep it up, cause there was a time when I thought Blake Shelton would help carry on this tradition. Har.) Miranda Lambert and Zac Brown Band don't have a 90s sound but make consistently good music with their own sound, which is awesome. Kacey Musgraves reminds me of 70s country, especially on her new song, but she has her own sound too. These are all good things. But the sad fact is these artists are the exceptions, not the rule. And that's why this era of music will never be one I go back to over and over for solace. I'll pack up the handful of songs I love with me, and run like hell.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Late Friday night and I'm listening to a couple of those promo country things. Mostly meh, and I admit I skipped some names I didn't recognize (I'm sure it'll pop up on my radar if it's any good). But managed to score two new downloads.

Zac Brown Band's new song! This is not country, it's southern rock. It's also wonderful. This sounds like it could have been recorded in 1978. Personally I love the southern rock influence and while this doesn't necessarily belong on country radio, it belongs a lot more than most of the crap on there. I hope this is a big old summer hit. I mean seriously, if you're down by the river on a date with your truck, I mean, on a date with a girl in your truck, drinkin' a few cold ones, wouldn't you rather be listening to THIS than the latest Luke Bryan dropping?

It just occurred to me how much bro country dudes must save on furniture, cause all they ever do is sit on their tailgates. Okay, moving on.

Ha! I don't know why I find this hilarious, but I do. I randomly brought up Blackhawk in one of my recent posts, and who should pop up on this latest promo country CD? I didn't even know they still existed. Good song, too. It won't get anywhere near radio, but I like it.

Another song featured is Randy Houser's Like a Cowboy, which is currently my #2 song of the year behind Automatic. He has such a toe-curler of a voice I could listen to him sing anything, but this song is so good and so worthy. Nothing I love more than a modern song that makes me feel nostalgic.

Years from now I'll still be playing this alongside Rodeo, Should've Been a Cowboy, and Amarillo by Morning. Hurray for non-disposable music. *happy sigh*

Friday, June 13, 2014

And now this soccer stuff is everywhere. Well I get this is something people all over the world are into, so I won't complain about it like I do the non-news. (If you're into caring about stupid reality show non-celebrities, you deserve to be complained about. And punched in the face.) I don't get soccer, but whatever. Wake me when it's football season.
I have happy things to say today.

Please put this on iTunes. TAKE MY MONEY, Kacey Musgraves!

Where do I even start? First of all, real country music at the Opry. Yay! I feel like she kinda helped... rehallow the ground. Rehallow. Yeah man. That needs to be a word.

Second, her voice. A pure, sweet country voice that serves up biting lines like "you nosey bitch" like pink lemonade. Reminds me of some of Loretta Lynn's sassy songs. What a nice change from the oversingers like Carrie Underwood and Jennifer Nettles. I like powerhouse vocals, don't get me wrong, and Miranda and many others do them right. But it's so freaking refreshing to hear what I call "songbird" vocals. Kacey, Ashley Monroe, Dolly Parton, etc.

Third, the song. It's catchy and fun and I think it might just catch on. Which is great for Kacey and I can only hope, great for other criminally overlooked female artists. There needs to be a DEMAND for females in country again. When I first got into country, yeah the big stars were Garth, Alan, George, and Brooks and Dunn, but there were always PLENTY of women on the radio and on the charts. Reba, Trisha, The Judds/Wynonna, Patty Loveless, Faith Hill, Pam Tillis, Mary Chapin Carpenter, LeAnn Rimes, Kathy Mattea. A bit later on came Lee Ann Womack, Deana Carter, JoDee Messina, and of course the Dixie Chicks, who I miss dearly. Even Shania put out some very enjoyable songs. And these women were everywhere, they had tons of hits.

So here we have Kacey, Ashley Monroe, Sunny Sweeney, Kellie Pickler and Brandy Clark more than ready and deserving to fill their shoes (alongside Miranda). My hope is that Kacey can help usher in a new wave of female artists on the radio. It's so overdue it's ridiculous. Despite my distaste for most of today's commercial music, my taste generally runs to the more commercial sounding stuff (as opposed to more experimental). I mean, 90s commercial country is my bread and butter. So I think I have a pretty good ear for what would work on the radio, and all of these artists produce catchy and radio-friendly work IMO. So PLAY THEM ALREADY!!!

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Today's worthless Yahoo headline:

"Kim Kardashian Unwinds on Second Honeymoon in Mexico"

Not the worst I've seen, but it begs the question: Isn't life just one long honeymoon for this woman? What is she "unwinding" from? What the hell does she actually DO??

Seriously... I have no clue why this woman is famous. Her father was an OJ lawyer... ok? I guess I need to know everything about all the children of everyone involved in the OJ trial! Judge Ito, Marcia Clark, hell, even OJ's kids aren't famous. (And I'm glad they're not cause wow, that must suck.) Why are we supposed to care about these silly people? They're not lawyers, they don't do anything, they're like... placemats. Or placeholders til the real celebrities show up. You know, the ones that are famous for doing things other than trying on lots of swimwear and marrying people who actually do things.

I'm just really sick of this crap in my face all the time. - learn it, live it, love it.

So I just read a comment I think hits the nail on the head. Basically, the lack of substance in country music goes hand in hand with the dying out of country culture in today's world. This "Automatic" world. You can only write so many nostalgic songs for the way things used to be.

I wrote this a few months ago, and it's even more relevant than I originally thought.

"Where country charm used to live, country caricatures have moved in. There's always been some of that, but there's very little real sentiment left for farms and dirt roads and first loves and broken hearts in the age of autotune, so empty stereotypes of these things have become the new normal. And you can tell the difference. The less authentic it feels, the louder it gets."

To the part about autotune I'd add things like "hooking up," "sexting," etc. Not that country music has to be all wide-eyed innocent first love. Some of the best songs are about cheatin', drinkin' and general honky tonkin'. There's nothing wrong with being a little bad. But it's just so easy to be awful these days, it's not even fun or interesting anymore. It's boring. Status quo. So you get stuff like "bring your sugar shaker over here" because sex in culture has become so stupid and unromantic.

Our landscape has become more big box stores than farms and back roads, so what are people supposed to write about, anyway? Where does inspiration come from in a world that's become more shallow, more disposable, more homogenized, and less rooted in values, and common sense than ever before? That culture has bled into a genre of music which was rooted in certain traditions for so long. Country music has always been about real people, real emotions, real life. Things you can relate to, that make you feel something. Good, bad and in-between. Serious and humorous. Struggle and joy.

Are people really any different, though? Young people are growing up in this scary disposable age which I think does affect their tastes and attitudes but at the core, they're still people. And as they grow up they'll still yearn for love, cry when they get their heart broken, raise families, work hard, hope for the best, and have faith everything will work out. And isn't that the core of country culture as much as plowing a field or roping a steer? Country music is "Livin' on Love." It's "He Stopped Loving Her Today." It's "Good-Hearted Woman." These things will ALWAYS have relevance as long as we're human. Which... I think we still are. We might have been replaced by robots, but let's just say we haven't.

So let's say music and culture have this symbiotic relationship. And both are pretty shitty right now. But if culture affects music, so does music affect culture, good or bad. The traditional "country" culture will never come back in this technology-driven world. So instead we have to look within ourselves. And that, I think, is where we can affect change. It only takes a few songs about real life (like Kacey Musgraves' work) being out there to start a trend. And if those kind of songs become even half of what's played on the radio, I think they'll have not only a positive affect on music, but on culture as a whole. Thus creating more good music... etc. Obviously, we also need a return of real country instruments to country music. The right subject matter will naturally call for it. At least, I hope so. "All My Exes Live in Texas (Dubstep Remix)" doesn't exist for a reason. I probably shouldn't have said that out loud, though.

For all my ranting, snarking and sobbing (yes, I'm constantly sobbing while I'm writing here), I STILL BELIEVE IN YOU, people!

And now, I'm going to go outside. This blog stuff is addictive. :)
What's amazing, and kind of depressing:

The "forgotten" country singers of the 90s, the ones who had a tiny hatful of hits and disappeared, are about a thousand times better than most of today's top stars. And don't even get me started on the songwriting. There was SO MUCH talent back then, and that warm country sound (as a commenter so perfectly put it) that comes from real instruments and singing from the heart instead of the wallet chain. Not everyone was gonna be Alan Jackson or Garth Brooks. But even these "b-listers" just kill me.

These songs were everywhere in the 90s. And now they're nowhere. I don't think lack of talent is the issue. I don't know why crap rises to the top these days. Usually the answer to frustrating questions involves money, but history shows talented people making tons of money. What has changed now?

More talent and sex appeal in his left nostril than Luke Bryan has in his whole body. I saw Ty live. He was amazing, and didn't once fall off the stage prancing around to hip-hop.

I could drive myself nuts with this. But it's nice to relive these old songs. And every one of them has comments about how much they miss this sound and the way country used to be, so who knows.* Maybe someday, everything old will be new again. I'm an eternal optimist. If I wasn't, I wouldn't even write this stuff. I'd be lying in a corner somewhere clutching a beer in one hand and a Blackhawk CD in the other.

This song was woefully overlooked even back then. One of my favorites. Enjoy. :)

*what scares the bajeebus outta me is one day, all the little Madisyns and Haydyns will be 40 and commenting on Florida Georgia Line videos with OMG I MISS THIS SOUND SO MUCH WUT HAPPENED TO COUNTRY MUSIC. Cause God only knows what it'll sound like then. Dubstep with a banjo and the sound of cats mating? Or maybe it will have swung back around to like, 1960s traditional country. Either way, Madisyn and Haydyn (and their offspring, Shfrjkgkyn and Zzzyrpph) will not be happy.

These tags were shamelessly fun to write.

RIP bakeries, the latest casualty of crap

Ha! I knew it.

"Families used to come by Sapienza’s shop and order a pound of biscotti or cookies to take home for the week, never questioning whether they had any trans fat or contained gluten, a wheat protein that gives dough its elasticity. These days, one in four U.S. households report at least one family member who eats gluten-free products, despite the fact that only 1% of Americans are considered to be allergic to it."

People are sheep. The end.

I love traditional bakeries. I was sad to read my favorite Italian bakery in Somerville shut down a few years ago. At least I was able to go for cannolis a few last times when I was in the area. Screw you Starbucks, designer cupcakes, and people who must be "gluten-free" despite not being allergic to it.

Somehow, everything I write is interconnected. The death of good. Is there any way back from this? All I want is real music, real food, real news and a real life not lived on fucking Instagram. And trees. Lots of 'em.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Dear Universe,

Nothing you do is ever gonna make me interested in soccer. I almost fell asleep just writing that sentence.

fan of sports that don't end in 0-0 ties

More little houses, less hot asses


Okay I'm seriously crying right now. Yeah, there is some decent stuff out there right now, I'm happy to know. But THIS right here is what we've lost, folks! The notion that country music is for us who live in little houses, the simple man, regular folks, not the "beautiful people." And not people who listen to Jason fucking Derulo!! Please, please bring back the "love grows best in little houses" kind of sentiment. I miss this. My soul misses this. I hadn't heard this song since the 90s and I kinda lost it when I heard it. I think that's an indicator of how badly we need songs like this. Don't let the shallow culture win. I want country to be uncool and unstylish and all about the music again.

She has a poodle perm and is wearing a denim shirt that had probably been in her closet since the late 70s. And she BY GOD kicks your ass.

Look. I honestly do not get the appeal of Florida Georgia Line. At all. Not even as a guilty pleasure. I could maybe tolerate the non-hip hop remix of Cruise, if it wasn't for that ridiculous "baby you a song" line... and the fact that it sounds almost the same as the hip hop remix. It's not even a bad song. Replace some of the lyrics with actual English, get a singer who doesn't look like he's waiting to slip you a roofie (I don't like his voice, either), strip down the music to a few instruments and you've got something. But that's just it. They're the only "country" band I know who make me not want to hear a song just because it's them playing it. And no, I don't think they're "hot." At all. George Strait at 60, Alan Jackson at 50, Garth Brooks at 400 lbs. are all "hotter" to me than those douchefaces. I don't like frat boys, I like country men.

And so many of these "good time" songs do not make me feel good. They leave me cold. That's important. There's absolutely nothing wrong with a feel-good song if it actually makes you feel good. I'm thinking "Ain't Goin' Down til the Sun Comes Up," "Barefoot Blue Jean Night" (could be bro-douchey, but isn't), "Chicken Fried," "Toes," or pretty much anything by Zac Brown Band. "My Kind of Night," etc. sound too produced to make me feel anything but mild nausea. The good time has to sound genuine, not assembly line. Cold beer? check. Hot ass? check. Tailgate? check. Hot ass on tailgate drinking cold beer? check. Okay boys, send it on down the line!

She better not get her ass anywhere near the cooler, though. She'll melt all the ice. And that's a buzzkill.

And... this freaking guy

This might be a joke of some kind and if so, um, good one? I guess? "He eats sushi, that don't sound like love!" Cause no one who's eaten a goddamn salmon roll of DOOM has ever fallen in love. One bite and you're done, skippy, might as well join a monastery! And don't even get me started on sashimi, that'll fuck you right up. Yeah, this is pretty damn funny. "He doesn't even know who Jack Daniels is!" Umm newsflash Jethro, but Jack Daniels is sold all over the country, even in Noo Yark City (*gasp* Noo Yark City??? Random old salsa commercial shoutout FTW). I think he knows who he is, though he might not be on a first name basis with him like you are. It's pretty bad when the caricatures are so thick you can't even tell if something's a joke.

Aaaaaaaaaah run away! You'll be a virgin forever!! Sushi: not even once.

Isn't it amazing how a sexy song is actually... sexy when delivered by someone who oozes charm and class instead of sleaze and stale beer breath?

Also, these are two songs in the country top 25 right now:

"I was like yeah, yeah" (and that's the chorus, folks)
"Yep yep" (part of the chorus, and deemed important enough to include parenthetically in the song's title)

Clearly, following in the footsteps of the master who brought us, "She was like OMG this is mah song!"

I have no commentary on this, just a public service announcement. The more you know.

Monday, June 09, 2014

A country song should never feature the words, "She was like OMG..." *sigh* This is hard.

Friday, June 06, 2014

Tonight's supper

Rock me mama like a

So I've given myself the task of writing a song called "Asshole in a Truck." It will be loosely based on all the "jacked up truck" country songs, but mostly my impressions of young, pickup drivin' males here in Edmonton. Y'know, the kind who've never hauled anything in their truck bed except the "dates" they keep bound and gagged and have license plates reading "badazz?" Maybe some charming artwork on the back depicting flames or skulls or, I dunno, ACTUAL WOMEN WHO HAVE BEEN BOUND AND GAGGED?

This is a real thing, folks. And there was more than one image like this, I had to PICK one. It's official, reality has become worse than my snark. I give up.

I'm still writing that song, though. I'll probably leave that part out of it.

My brainless week... wait, that's every week

Okay, you're just trying to piss me off now, aren't you?

This is the TOP HEADLINE under Yahoo's "All Stories" news section right now:

Kendall Jenner's Braless Week: A Look Back at Her Plunging Styles

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH US???? I can't even snark on this, it snarks itself anyway, and honestly I'm just too pissed off.

Thursday, June 05, 2014

I love me some Miranda Lambert, but that Carrie Underwood duet isn't something bad, it's something worse - a crashing bore. Disappointing, but not surprising really. Duets so often seem to be "anything you can do I can do better" one-upmanship instead of an actual blending together. (last night's Kacey Musgraves/Lee Ann Womack duet being a very refreshing exception.)

Sunny Sweeney's new song, however, is UHMAZING. Buy it and put this woman on the charts where she belongs! Actually, looking at the other people on the charts, it's not really where she belongs... but let's change that!!!

And now, today's weather:

.... aw.
... aw.
... aw.

Wednesday, June 04, 2014


Did I just see this? Did this just happen?

In case this video becomes the victim of censorship, it's the BIEBER (yeah him again, sigh) singing a song parody about killing black people and joining the KKK. He's 14, but no. No no no. Not hearin that one anymore. As much as I despise this little squirrel fart, I could actually believe that stupid joke was a one-off. I mean, I could see a kid that's dumb as a box of bricks and didn't know any better thinking that's funny. "AH MADE A FUNNY NOISE, DERP." But now, this is a pattern.

Umm, at least this version has more spice than the original song? *obligatory snarky comment even though I'm actually pretty shocked by this* And I had to look up the original song, since I've not been able to stomach more than one note of actual Bieber in my life.

So what's the most offensive part of this? The fact that anyone of any age, let alone a future superstar, joked about murder and joining the KKK? The fact that he was dumb enough to RECORD it? Or the annoying sycophant laughing in the background? I'm gonna go with number three, cause it's people like that that enable these dipshits in the first place.

And if this is what he recorded, what on earth did he say in private? Maybe "I love black people," cause he lives in bizarro world? idefk just go away.

And hopefully that's the last I'll ever write of he-who-shall-not-be-named.
Why I like some pop-country:

Well, it's pretty simple. It may not sound much like country music but it does still sound like music, and I appreciate that. I grew up listening to 80s pop/rock and it sounded nothing like what's on popular radio today. Even the more electronic-sounding stuff generally had strong vocals and a hook. What the hell happened to melodies and hooks, anyway?! Well, pop-country has 'em. That's why I can't hate on Lady Antebellum, or Rascal Flatts, or Shania Twain because their music incorporates the tradition of singing, songwriting and instrumentation that I can relate to (unlike today's pop music tradition of putting random objects in a microwave, recording it, and laying down autotuned vocals on top of it. New hit song by DJ Skrazzy!!)

If I want country I put on Loretta Lynn, not Lady A. But I'm glad it's out there to fill the pop void. I wish they'd play less of it on country radio and more of it on pop radio, but my ears are too thirsty to split hairs. Damn, that was a weird-ass mixed metaphor.
I don't know WTF an Iggy Azalea is, I'm just relieved as hell this "Fancy" thing isn't a hip-hop Reba cover. I was actually worried. But it's just another crappy electronic rap thing that sounds nothing like music to me, so it can be safely over there somewhere. I'll be over here.

Why does every popular song these days sound like the noise your computer makes right before it breaks down and dies forever?

I do appreciate how the older I get, the easier this shit becomes to avoid. This Iggy person has the number one song in the country and is apparently a Very Big Deal, including breaking some record held by the Beatles* IF these current "records" were actually valid and not the result of changing the chart formats around in a way that benefits the most mediocre crap. This beat the Beatles like "Cruise" is the biggest "country" hit ever, or like Barry Bonds deserves to get into the Hall of Fame riding piggyback on Mark McGwire's shoulders and waving a Sammy Sosa bobblehead.

*asterisk this shit. All of it.

Anyway, my point is I never heard it until today when I found the courage to youtube it. This is a good thing.
This was the TOP headline on Yahoo news for a while yesterday:

"Lindsay Lohan Works On Her 'Summer Body' In Green Sports Bra"*

I'm telling you folks, the end times are coming. I just love how they specify the sports bra was GREEN. Quality investigative journalism there.

*this article brought to you by the Green Bra Store. We sell green bras, and nothing but green bras! 10% off if you mention Lindsay Lohan and the death of American culture!

Tuesday, June 03, 2014

So this is in no way, shape or form country - I still say Lady Gaga's song is countrier than this - but it's a damn good pop song. And it's miles better than the droning, repetitive sameness I heard last time I was subjected to a pop station. I mean country radio is bad but pop radio... holy crap. I am not kidding when I say one song just sludged into the next with no change in tone, beat, or melody (if you could even discern one). I felt like I was on another planet. The only song I even recognized or stood out in any way was "Call Me Maybe," and oh sweet lord how I hate that song, but hearing the other dreck I can see why it was such a big hit. At least it has some damn energy! Everyone else sounded like they need those er paddles, STAT.

Country love songs back in my day:

"Adalida, pretty little cajun queen.
Sweet dixie flower, the belle of the bayou-
You're every young man's dream.
Adalida, I'd walk through a hurricane
To stand beside you sweet Adalida I'd swim the Pontchartrain."

"And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance."


"Get in my truck."
Or, if he's feelin' romantic: "Get in my truck, girl."

And pain? What is this "pain" you speak of? Frat boys don't feel pain bro, we just drink another brew and get another tat! Pain is for wussies who wear shirts, amirite bro?

Monday, June 02, 2014

God bless the boys who make the noise

I couldn't resist.

Okay, I like this one. Sounds nice and a good, good message, along the lines of "Automatic." So often it's what has character that has true value, not what's new. I hope the kids who listen to this (and Automatic) will really listen, and think about it. If you live in a society of disposable things (including music), doesn't that make us all disposable really? I've been a hold on-er all my life; I keep things til they fall apart or stop working. Never understood the "have to buy a new _____ every year" mentality. So yeah, A+ here Dierks.

Artists are so hit or miss these days, I swear.

And now an old favorite:

Sunday, June 01, 2014

I wasn't gonna write anything about this person ever, because bringing attention to him enables his existence, but what the hell. Here's a link to Justin Bieber telling a joke about black people and chainsaws, complete with the "n" word:

No, I'm not embedding it. I don't wanna catch what it's got. But I am gonna talk about it.

If this was ANYONE ELSE, I'd be all come on, he was 15, do you really wanna be judged for what you did and said when you were 15? I owned a Tiffany cassette single, for pete's sake. Yeah he should have known better, but I don't think what you do at that age should be held against you as an adult. Unless maybe you murder someone.

HOWEVER - because it's this little sack of regurgitated puke* all I can think is "HAAAA-LLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLEEEEELUJAAAAAAH!" Because if there's one thing that'll get you a one-way ticket to obscurity in this society, it's racist crap. Just ask Michael Richards. Who? Oh, Kramer! Whatever happened to that guy, did he die?

*when your cat/dog pukes, eats it, then pukes again. good times

Fair or not, if whatever happened to Michael happens to Justin, you won't catch me crying foul. He's such a smug, unlikable, entitled little monster I don't know why he hasn't already worn out his welcome tenfold. And that's just his hair, don't get me started on his actual "personality." So if this is what it takes, bring it on. And you know the "news" will be running the hell out of this shit, cause it's Justin Bieber and nobody cares about Britney Spears anymore and apparently Kim Kardashian didn't go out in a bikini yesterday. What else are they gonna talk about?
I've pretty much made a habit of not reading other blogs. I enjoy writing here, even if nobody else reads it, and I find I work best in my own little bubble. Like Emily Dickinson, if Emily Dickinson wrote about bad music and reality shows and cheeseburgers. But anyway. I don't want to write, or not write, something I think just because someone else said it or didn't say it. Wow, was that like four double negatives? Lemme try that again... I don't want to not write something because it's already been said, nor do I want to knowingly write something that's been said a hundred times. That said, I'm really glad I discovered that saving country music blog and now I'm kinda addicted to it.

I don't watch award shows of any kind. The egos are so suffocating I have trouble getting through the first 15 minutes without an inhaler. But that means I miss the occasional gem, like this

I've always loved LeAnn's voice and music, and I don't give a purple monkey's ass what she does in her personal life. This is country music folks, songs about cheating and heartbreak are ok* but not if it happens in real life? Give me a break. The fact that this voice is out there and not being heard is an absolute waste of a national resource. Please, can we have LeAnn back? None of us are perfect. Isn't that what country music has always been about?

*well, they used to be in the pre-Truckian era

I've found so much great music I never would have on my own, because I'm lazy. So I guess I'm a blog reader now.

The evolution of this blog is crazy. I'm on my 12th year (on and off) of blogging here and it started out as a straight-up diary. Embarrassing personal crap I wouldn't want anyone to read, with some moments of humor of course. Then I took a long break. Then I came back and I don't even remember what I wrote about, more personal stuff I guess. Probably a lot about how much I hate snow. I briefly tried snarking on current events, before I realized current events are either depressing as hell or inane as shit with no in-betweens. Then I really got into my groove a couple years ago with my Toddlers and Tiaras snark. Never has something so entertained and so disgusted me simultaneously. I'm gonna miss that hot mess.

Then about a year and a half ago I started on bad music snark, and it seems to have stuck. I was late to the party on a lot of stuff after years of avoiding the radio, so I had a lot to work with. I don't hope that music keeps on being bad (though in the case of pop music, it's pretty much a given), but if it must I hope it will at least be entertainingly bad. It's the MSTie in me. :)